Sometimes "Yes" Is The Thing You Can't Say

I am going to tell you a story; a memory that just came back to me. It consists of me and three people: "Sadie," Becky," and "Carlie." I'll just call them that for the sake of everything.

One night nearly a year ago, I am texting Carlie. We talk about the usual things: boys, school, summer vacation, SOL's (finals), et cetera. Somehow, I don't remember how we came to this, she asks me a question that takes me forever to answer. I had said something, and her reply was this: "Wait...are you suicidal?" I couldn't breathe. And after a moment, I say no. I put my phone away, and I go to sleep. The next day, I am over at Sadie's house. We're all there; me, Sadie, Carlie, Becky. We're sitting in the living room, and the TV's on. I am sitting on the couch beside Carlie when I ask: "Did you delete our conversation from last night? I just don't want someone else to read it and take it the wrong way." Carlie replies that she hasn't. And then Becky hears us and a scuffle ensues, eventually ending when she captures the phone. Becky scrolls through the messages, finally finding mine. As she reads, her smile disappears. She looks up and asks the same question as I had been asked the night before. "Are you suicidal?" I feel like a crowd is watching me, holding their breath as they wait for me to answer. Again, I say no.

And that, my dears, is the moment I wish had gone differently. At that second, I wish that I had said yes. In a split second, I could have changed everything. I don't know where I would be now if I had said yes. Maybe dead. Maybe happier than I am now. Maybe I would be exactly where I am, just not writing this. I don't regret very much in my life. Only a few brief seconds, but none of those moments make any mark on my life. This one, however, does. The reason for the no wasn't because I was afriad of what they would think. Rather, I couldn't say it to myself. I knew in my mind that it was true, but saying it verbally was the one thing I couldn't do.

I surprised myself today when I realized how very few of my friends know about what happened to me last year. Three, four? Maybe a few more, but they aren't my friends. Four people. I'm scared about how people will treat me if I say it, even if we're freinds. I don't want them to have to watch what they say around me.

Alright, I shall say goodbye to the population of what, two people who actually read my blogs.

Finger On The Trigger

Happy Easter everyone and if you don't celebrate easter, HAPPY SUNDAY. See, I just pleased everyone. I'm not going to tell you about my opinion on Jesus coming back to life (I'm Christian but I have my own odd opinions). I told my mom about my opinion yesterday and she just walked away without saying anything. But I was watching Bones last night (David Boreanaz!) and Temperance said exactly what I had told my mom. So there, Mommy!

Random part of blog is over. Actually, the entire thing is random. I'm on a sugar high! If you know me, you know that that's not the best thing in the world.

Anyways, I got my hair cut yesterday! The only frustrating part is that I actually have to style my hair in the mornings and blow dry it (ugh). I'm beginning to miss the run-brush-through-hair-done styling. I'm getting a straightener today so maybe that'll help. Also, its very hard to put back in a ponytail. Almost impossible. Not that I ever wear my hair up, but it's useful when climbing on rocks picking up trash in Baltimore when the wind is trying to blow you into the water. No one probably understands that. Except Brenda whom I dragged along so I wouldn't be by myself for four hours. Then I lost my cell phone.

Okay, random blog is done now.

~Random Blogger

EDIT: I miss Ronnie from Escape The Fate. He was so adorable.... :'(

EDIT 2: Zerrissen by Juli is a great song. Look it up.

EDIT 3: I just noticed how out-of-place that blog title is when the first thing I talk about is Easter. Oh well, I luffs the song so I won't change it.

Once Upon A December

Oh my gosh *dies* people commented on the last post. SIGNS OF LIFE! Thank you Sarah and Brenda for proving that you exist!!!!!

Ah, the wonders of Hulu. I get to watch Anastasia!

So I spent a good portion of my day *cough*many hours*cough* looking up hairstyles on photobucket (what better place?) because I want to cut my hair Saturday and didn't know what to do. Big shock, I'm going to cut it pretty short. Like, shoulder length. Or an inch below. But that's a big thing for me: I've always had long hair. And also looking at how I should dye it. I am thinking of having the underlayers of my hair black with the top part staying blonde. I might dye it a lighter blonde just for kicks. Now I just have to run the hairstyle past my mother *cringes*. I am NOT going to talk about dyeing it with her. She'll probably flip out.

Why is Miley Cyrus on Teen Vogue this month? She's a witch with a capital "B". No one likes her except naive six year olds. No offense to them. Does she not understand this?

My writing has been almost nonexistent for the past few days and I don't know why. It's not like I have anything better to do. I actually wrote some today and then totally had to talk to my brother *cringes again* and ask him about a type of gun for my writing. I had to ask about a large, automatic gun that is carried by the military because I don't know any and my computer blocked all the sites that would tell me. In the end, we decided on an M248 SAW. It's a gun, not a saw. Oh, that reminds me I have to send my first story to Emu-Friend Kris. He asked me what, a week ago? Ha...I knew I was forgetting something.

So I'll hit post now and go email Emu-Friend Kris and read Teen Vogue again.


~Less-Lonesome Blogger

Rawr I am A VAMPIRE

Hello PEOPLE WHO ARE NOT HERE. No one's on blogger anymore *sad*. I bet everyone's on Twitter which my parents blocked. Jeez, what's so awful about Twitter that it is block-worthy? I would like to know. To stem my pain from the lack of everyone's posting, I've been watching Buffy The Vampire Slayer on Hulu. They only have the first three seasons, so I'm sad. Has anyone else seen it? I've been telling my friends about what I'm watching and none of them have seen it, so I want to know if my Buffy rants will be understood by anyone else. I think my friends are getting confused. Anyways, for the people who have seen it: does anyone else feel like Buffy is kinds clingy to Angel in season two? I know he's soulless part of the time, but even then she's all mopey and annoying. See, even though the season finale made me cry (Buffy stabs Angel), I loved that episode because of Spike. He's my faaavorite character.

Spike: "What? Your mom doesn't know?"

Buffy's Mom: "Know what?"

Buffy: "That... I'm in a band. A rock band. With Spike."

Spike: "She plays the triangle."

Ah...classic. He's basically the best part. I know gets with Buffy in later seasons, but I fully appreciate him when he's an evil, sadistic, soulless vampire. Oh, but how I love him.

~Lonesome Blogger