There's No Escape - I'm So Afraid

I know I should be thankful for everything I have. And I am, really. But I want more. Is that so selfish? Lately, especially, I've been getting in these moods where it feels like I'm completely alone and that no one really cares what I have to say. And also I start getting mad at myself for the stupidest things. I'm in one of those moods and just wish I was someone else, somewhere else. Anywhere but here; anyone but me. I have such a good life, and I know it. Today is proof of that: I got a new guitar, painted my room, had my hair done, and it was just great. So why do I feel like crap? I'm so selfish. I admit it freely. And I'm cruel to other people. I say things without speaking, and regret it later.

I should have known my day would end like this, just based on my morning. I had a dream last night and woke up crying. It was over nothing, really. I mean, it wasn't a nightmare or anything. I don't even remember it. And I don't think I want to know.

Why can't I just be happy? Just happy with no doubts, or sadness, or anger? And yet I know the answer. It's like everything else. God gives us trials so we can prove that we deserve this life. I chose life over death already. Now I just have to prove that I deserve it. And I want to. But I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to have to think that I'm a horrible person, or that I'm not good enough. And the thing that scares me the most is that those feelings were all a part of my depression. I don't think its come back, but I'm afraid it will. Who knows how much more I can take from people? From myself? From that voice in the back of my head that tells me everything that I don't want to hear.

My life hasn't been perfect. I would be a liar if I said it was. But it could've been worse, I know that for certain. I've watched people fall deeper and deeper from my cozy spot at the top of the hole for too long. And I've tried to help. But its never been enough. Why can't I save them?

Who have I become? The idea that the little blonde girl in the picture downstairs is me is something entirely too complicated for me to fathom. Too often do I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that looks back at me. It's not bad. It's not good. It's simply a moment of amazement. I'm sure you remember that extremely long post about time God-knows-how-many months ago? I simply wonder what happened to all the time. How was I a kindergartner with pink jeans and a red velvet shirt one second, and a black-wearing post-suicidal teenager the next? What happened to all the time?! Where the heck did my childhood go?! I don't remember having one. It was always goodbyes and worries and never knowing what was going to happen. Most people cam dream about graduating from a certain high school, but I don't even know how long I'll be at Madison. Or how many schools I'm yet to go to. You know Madison is my ninth school? Ninth grade, ninth school. How the hell am I supposed to be a normal child after everything? Everything?! Having nightmares for months about my parents dying, never being able to be friends with someone for more than a few years, getting sucked into the popular clique because I so desperately wanted to have something to hold onto. And after everything, who am I?

A face in the crowd. A voice in the din. A data point. A statistic. An outlier. Who am I? No one. I'm no one of consequence.

But I will be someone. I'll be someone, mark my words. I'm not going to be a face in the crowd, a voice in the din, a data point, a statistic, or an outlier. I'm going to be someone. Someone worth knowing, someone who means something to other people. And that's what my life is for, I think. To mean something to someone else. What are we, if we don't mean anything to anyone? If we're the girl down the street, or the boy in the back? The ones that no one notices. The ones that no one cares about.

I will make a difference. I will change someone's life for the better. I'm tired of labels and just being another person. No, I'm done with that. This year marks the end of me being afraid and insecure. Because I know that no matter how bad things get, I am strong enough to get through and prove that I deserve this life. I will not be an embarrassment to God. Or to anyone else.

I will be me.

Writing Fail

It's been nine months since I started my sequel. You know, my first book only took me five months to write. Ugh. And it's been almost 13 months since I started my first book. My goal - I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL REACH THIS GOAL - is to have it published by the end of the school year. And then the story I started last month is just over 50 pages long at this point. Pretty good, no? Just wanted to update you on my other failures.

Peace

Emily's Wish

(Sorry to all my usual readers - I needed some way to post this info since I'm not sure how to do this on FB yet. Just ignore this post if you don't live near me)

Okay, this is the email - in its entirety - from the Mandells.

Dear Family and Friends,

We thought it was about time for us to introduce to some, and remind others, of a benefit concert we are having in honor of Emily named Emily’s Wish. We decided to send you an email because of your participation in Emily’s carepage, and once again we can’t thank you enough for all the love and support you showed us during the past year.

Emily's Wish is a fundraiser committed to raising awareness and funds for pediatric brain tumors. We have reserved Jammin’ Java, a really cute coffee shop in Vienna, VA from 2-4pm on September 13th, 2009. We have booked Rocknoceros, which is a really fun, family friendly band. There will also be a silent auction, and we will even be raffling off an iPod Touch! All proceeds for the event will go to the “Cure ATRT Now” Fund, which supports research and collaboration between scientists and oncologists that are working to find a cure for ATRTs, Emily’s tumor type.

At the event, we will also be recognizing all the runners and walkers participating in the Baltimore Half Marathon in honor of Emily by calling them up on stage and presenting them with a t-shirt! Needless to say it should be a really fun day and if all goes well, we would like to make this an annual event. We can only sell 200 tickets so buy yours online soon, and kids less than one don’t need a ticket!

Jammin’ Java has the event up on their website, and you should be able to buy tickets now, just click on the link below.

http://jamminjava.com/home/events/emilys-wish-featuring-rocknoceros

If you cannot attend Emily’s Wish and still want to contribute, please feel free to donate to the Jimmy Fund Walk link below. We are participating as Virtual Walkers, and once again all proceeds will be going to the Cure ATRT Now Fund.

http://www.jimmyfundwalk.com/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=297511&lis=1&kntae297511=803D0E4D4C66460FBDCE4367D0995BB1&supId=255354844

Thank you all for supporting this very important endeavor and making a difference in our children’s lives. Feel free to contact us at emilyswish@gmail.com if you have any questions, and we hope to see you on September 13th at Jammin’ Java!

So if some people could go it'd be awesome.

Peace

Gunshots Ring Out In The Night

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow! Not dyed, according to mother, but I'm still hopeful.

Ah, shit. This Psych episode is scary as hell! Oh, I'm insulted now; the possesed girl is speaking German...apparently that is "spouting a demonic language." How wonderful. However, I am happy that I knew what she was saying.

Eh My God, A Tree

It's rather perplexing, Facebook. I don't feel as if I can really let everyone know what's on my mind like I can on Blogger. I suppose it's mostly the fact that the people I'm friends with are my friends, but not close enough that I really want them to now about all my issues. Besides, I like to rant. And it seems that isn't something that you can really do in FB. That fact is truly saddening. So Blogger is going to remain my favorite social-networking-type site, never fear.

Anyways, I'm rewatching Fruits Basket since I finished Ouran High School Host Club for the second time. Ah, I have missed Haru and Kyo. Although I'm still not sure what side of the fence Haru is on.... Still love him though!

Last night (ON YOUTUBE!) I as watching the bloopers for OHSHC. It's so funny what the people who are doing the voice overs say when they forget lines. The guy who does the voice of Tamaki says "crap" every five seconds, and the man who does Kyoya starts babbling. Actually, the girl who does the voice of Haruhi reminds me a lot of Julianne (from camp - Sarah knows her). It's very amusing. Oh, and my favorite line from the bloopers is: "Don't worry: I'm just crushing this child. Your mother here told me to." Or perhaps: "I HATE YOUR FACE." Also, was anyone aware that Honey was voiced by a girl? Same with the little boy in one of the first episodes that wanted to be Tamaki's apprentice.

Anyways, I'm starting school Tuesday. I'm pretty nervous once I start thinking about it, but otherwise I don't even care.

Damn it, I'm really hungry and my dad won't let me eat anything. I have my own box of Fiber One bars, but have already eaten half of it. Oh, screw it, I'll eat another. *inhales snack bar* I'M STILL HUNGRY!

*eats cash in wallet* Still hungry....

*eats cell phone*

*eats space bar*

Seethisiswhathappenswhenyougettoohungry.Yourcomputerpaystheultimateprice.Soifyou'renothappywiththefactthatIcan'tusethesapcebar,blamemydad.

Peace

I Am Not Afraid Of This Flashlight

Ah, ha! Watch the first tape in this video. I could never find that video, but there it is! This is an episode from my favorite segment on CNN. It's the Daily Distraction, hosted by Jarrett Bellini (who is amazing), and it's on CNN.com every day. So amazing.

Okay, somehow this program was downloaded onto my computer that's trying to make me correct my typing. For instance, in this post alone, it's told me to change "every day" to "everyday." Which is INCORRECT. Then it did the stupid "incomplete sentence" thing for that last sentence in the paragraph above. Hey, it's like that for a REASON. It's also decided that "correct" should be capitalized, as should "last." So screw that program that's trying to screw up my typing. Oh, now "my" should be capitalized. REALLY?! And it's saying something about putting a comma behind the word "after," which I cannot find. Except the one in that last sentence. *sigh* What the hell is this program?

Oh, I forgot my good news! My dad finally unblocked Youtube and Facebook! So I can use both, and have been watching Ouran High School Host Club in English. Well, the episodes that I wasn't able to before. But I was quite sad in one episode where they changed my favorite line. "I have deduced that your imagination has no coherence whatsoever" has become something like: "I've decided that your daydreams make so sense whatsoever." Which is a fail on their part. I also started watching livelavalive and have totally fallen in live with Mitchel Davies...and his hair.

I discovered that I have over $100 in my wallet...not sure how it got there but I assure you that I didn't steal it. I think. I hope. *shifty eyes*

Hahaha, I love Reggie Aqui from CNN. "No, she's not crazy. She's stupid." He's so funny, even though he tries to be cool. It's like Tamaki but without the "daddy" stuff. Here is el linko to the particular video I'm referencing. It's the second tape in the video. He and Naamua are the best pair on CNN.com.

My mother is beginning to annoy me with the "wiser than thou" act. For one, she's decided that I'm too young to psychoanalyze my own habits and behaviors. Then there's the: "I know you better than you do" thing. Oh, really? I'm so much of a child that I can't understand myself? That's great. Really great.

Peace

I Have Deduced That Your Imagination Has No Coherence Whatsoever

I feel like crying I'm so sad about this show ending. It's so ridiculous that I love it, but it's the last episode ad I'm basically writing this post without looking. I have Internet Explorer on half the screen and Firefox on the other half. Well, this is depressing. This show has always been ridiculous, ad now that it's serious I'm not sure what to make of it. On the other hand, I feel like punching Lady Eclair in the face. *eye twitch* Oh, I don't think I can deal with these shows that don't show who ends up with who. It pisses me off more than anything in these shows. I honestly don't believe this....

Anyways, today is Bill and Tom Kaulitz's birthday! Yay! Happy birthday!

I love Tamaki...how he's so ignorant that he's completely in love with Haruhi. I still don't get why he decided that he's her "daddy." And he's so obnoxious that you just have to love him. Of course, it's plainly obvious at times that he's very intelligent. He's very immature, but extremely intelligent. He's also an inherently good person.

Now the twins are something else entirely. Thinking of them brings the word "incest" to mind, actually. They're great, and I love them to death (my favorite is Hikaru, though). At the beginning it was a bit awkward, of course. Then you just get used to it. And once you see them sleeping together you're just like: "Okay." Creepy how the Japanese think that incest is fine *cough* Vampire Knight *cough*. There was this other show, too. About this boy falling i love with his step-sister. Yeah.... The twins make it less creepy, I think. They're just adorable as well.

Then there's Kyoya, whose quote is the title of this post. Talking to Tamaki, no less. Kyoya is probably the most difficult one to understand out of all the Host Club members, for me. I became a bit worried in the episode where he tries to make a point and tries to make Haruhi think that he's going to rape her. That was...awkward. Love him, though.

I really dislike Honey, finding him extremely irritating and childish. He's supposed to be seventeen, but acts - and looks- like he's six. I definitely prefer Momigi.

Okay, anime ramblings are over. I'll have something a bit more interesting to post tomorrow, since I'm aware that no one knows (or cares) who/what I'm talking about. But, like I've said before, this blog is for ME and not for YOU.

So there.

Fruits Basket Ramblings

I've been watching Fruits Basket since yesterday afternoon. This show is so awesome; I love it. It's nothing like Death Note, so I can't compare it. It's just so amazing. All the guys in this show are hilarious. I find the girls lacking any complexity in their characters, but the boys make up for it. My favorite character is probably Kyo, even though that's probably a bit odd. He has this outrageous temper, and he's really brusque, but I just love him so much. It might have something to do with the fact that he turns into a cat.... And then there's Haru, who's awesome. I actually just realized while I was typing that sentence that my two favorite characters are probably the ones with the shortest tempers (Haru when he's Black Haru) and the foulest mouths. It's amusing when Kyo talks, because he curses in about every sentence. And Haru is just plain awesome. Of course, I also love Yuki and Shigome. All the guys.

I find Taru's character a bit dim, and it bothers me how every episode she has to have this long, "inspirational" speech about life.

Haha, so Yuki and Taru are talking about how nice fall is, and when she asks Kyo, he says: "What the hell does it matter?!" It's also amusing how in love Kyo is with Taru, but how afraid he is of feeling like that. And then there's Kyo's stalker. She's actually related to him distantly. She's totally infatuated with him, but beats him up every time he says something rude. I so want Taru to end up with Kyo, but she's obviously in love with Yuki. It's not that I don't like him, but I just like Kyo more. He's so cute!

Hm, turns out this show is much darker than I thought. It saddens me, actually, that it's finally getting really iteresting and I only have one episode left.

Okay, I keep getting distracted by the show, so I'm on the last episode now. This is like seriously depressing. A least Kyo is okay. You know, I wonder what happened to Haru. I haven't seen him in a while.... Anyways, this is probably the worst ending ever. It really ticks me off when you don't find out who ends up with who. *sigh* Well it's over now, and I'm sad. perhaps I'll rewatch the series at a later time. Right now, however, Brenda has reccomended another show. So I'll be off.

Wer Bin Ich?

I was taking apart my bookshelf and sliced open my wrist...right underneath my palm. So now there's this big band-aid there so I probably look really emo. I'm just hoping that I'm not still wearing it on Tuesday or my classmates will have instant fodder for insults. People are just so nice like that.

Anyways, my mom decided she was too busy to take me to get my hair done, which really annoyed me. At least there's always next weekend, though. I at least want to have my hair dyed before school starts.

It hurts to bend my wrist now. And I got hit with a ricochet airsoft bullet from when I went outside where my two brothers were shooting. Yeah, they like to shoot at the wall and stuff. Idiots.

Excerpt time:

__“Hm?” I stood, and nearly fell again as dizziness hit me like a brick wall. Alex sprung forward and scooped me up in his arms.
__“You’re in no condition to walk, girl,” Syx told me as his friend carried me back to the horses. “Using that much magic without training is not a great idea. As you can probably tell.” I nodded drowsily, letting my head fall against Alexander’s chest. He made a small noise as I let my arms wrap around his neck
__“What’s wrong, Majesty?” My voice was faint.
__“Nothing.” With less effort than I would have thought, he sat me on his horse. “You’ll be riding with me. I think that if you were alone on a horse it would end badly.” He flashed me a smile.
__“Okay.” Syx took my horse’s reins and held them as he waited for Alex to climb on behind me. Then he clambered onto his own mare and loosely hooked the stallion’s reins on the horn on the front of his saddle.
__“She’ll be okay, right?” Alex pulled me closer as his horse began to walk.
__“Mari will be fine. And I’m sure you’ll be watching her every second, even after she’s recovered.” I felt Alex stiffen. A smirk was evident in Syx’s voice, although I was too drowsy to care why.
__“That was out of line.”
__“Forgive me, Alex, but I’ve been able to read you since we were boys. I don’t want to, believe me, but it’s something I just know.” My teacher sighed heavily. “Just don’t hurt her.” Almost instinctively, Alexander dropped one hand from the reins to fall over mine.
__“I won't.” My eyes fluttered closed, and I leaned back against my companion.

As I said in yesterday's post, I'd appreciate ay ideas as to the title for the poem from that same post.

Peace

I can't wait until I can drive...I'd be halfway to New York by now.