There's No Escape - I'm So Afraid

I know I should be thankful for everything I have. And I am, really. But I want more. Is that so selfish? Lately, especially, I've been getting in these moods where it feels like I'm completely alone and that no one really cares what I have to say. And also I start getting mad at myself for the stupidest things. I'm in one of those moods and just wish I was someone else, somewhere else. Anywhere but here; anyone but me. I have such a good life, and I know it. Today is proof of that: I got a new guitar, painted my room, had my hair done, and it was just great. So why do I feel like crap? I'm so selfish. I admit it freely. And I'm cruel to other people. I say things without speaking, and regret it later.

I should have known my day would end like this, just based on my morning. I had a dream last night and woke up crying. It was over nothing, really. I mean, it wasn't a nightmare or anything. I don't even remember it. And I don't think I want to know.

Why can't I just be happy? Just happy with no doubts, or sadness, or anger? And yet I know the answer. It's like everything else. God gives us trials so we can prove that we deserve this life. I chose life over death already. Now I just have to prove that I deserve it. And I want to. But I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to have to think that I'm a horrible person, or that I'm not good enough. And the thing that scares me the most is that those feelings were all a part of my depression. I don't think its come back, but I'm afraid it will. Who knows how much more I can take from people? From myself? From that voice in the back of my head that tells me everything that I don't want to hear.

My life hasn't been perfect. I would be a liar if I said it was. But it could've been worse, I know that for certain. I've watched people fall deeper and deeper from my cozy spot at the top of the hole for too long. And I've tried to help. But its never been enough. Why can't I save them?

Who have I become? The idea that the little blonde girl in the picture downstairs is me is something entirely too complicated for me to fathom. Too often do I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that looks back at me. It's not bad. It's not good. It's simply a moment of amazement. I'm sure you remember that extremely long post about time God-knows-how-many months ago? I simply wonder what happened to all the time. How was I a kindergartner with pink jeans and a red velvet shirt one second, and a black-wearing post-suicidal teenager the next? What happened to all the time?! Where the heck did my childhood go?! I don't remember having one. It was always goodbyes and worries and never knowing what was going to happen. Most people cam dream about graduating from a certain high school, but I don't even know how long I'll be at Madison. Or how many schools I'm yet to go to. You know Madison is my ninth school? Ninth grade, ninth school. How the hell am I supposed to be a normal child after everything? Everything?! Having nightmares for months about my parents dying, never being able to be friends with someone for more than a few years, getting sucked into the popular clique because I so desperately wanted to have something to hold onto. And after everything, who am I?

A face in the crowd. A voice in the din. A data point. A statistic. An outlier. Who am I? No one. I'm no one of consequence.

But I will be someone. I'll be someone, mark my words. I'm not going to be a face in the crowd, a voice in the din, a data point, a statistic, or an outlier. I'm going to be someone. Someone worth knowing, someone who means something to other people. And that's what my life is for, I think. To mean something to someone else. What are we, if we don't mean anything to anyone? If we're the girl down the street, or the boy in the back? The ones that no one notices. The ones that no one cares about.

I will make a difference. I will change someone's life for the better. I'm tired of labels and just being another person. No, I'm done with that. This year marks the end of me being afraid and insecure. Because I know that no matter how bad things get, I am strong enough to get through and prove that I deserve this life. I will not be an embarrassment to God. Or to anyone else.

I will be me.