For Every Waking Second I'm Drowning In Regrets

Deeply regretful
I should have listened when Mama said
To always count your friends
And never turn your backs on them

I have spent the past hour thinking about this post. That includes staring blankly at a wall, eating dinner, looking at the backyard, and taking a shower. Because I feel awful.

I have been so horrible for the past few days, especially today. I was so scared earlier because I couldn't feel remorse. Today, I probably ticked off more people and hurt more people than I ever have. And I didn't care. I couldn't feel anything besides dominance. Does that sound horrid? It is. I finally understand why bullies are able to keep going. They live in the moment, and don't think of the future. It's simply them and whomever they choose to terrorize. Lucky, or perhaps unlucky for me, I finally regained a conscious an hour ago.

It's nearly as bad as my former depression. All these horrible emotions just hit you like a brick wall, pushing out every other thought. There's this hollowness though, right in your chest, and it won't go away. Like you're missing a part of yourself.

I've spent years and years building up my self control (I always had a problem with acting on a whim) and managing my anger (bad tempers run in the family). I think the self-control wall broke today. It was as if everything I've learned about right and wrong simply disappeared and was replaced by this overwhelming urge for power. Even writing this makes me feel disgusted with myself.

So if anyone's reading this right now that I've been awful towards today or any of the past few days, I'm so sorry. I'm not sure if it's PMS or just me being a b*tch, but I'm so sorry.