There's No Escape - I'm So Afraid

I know I should be thankful for everything I have. And I am, really. But I want more. Is that so selfish? Lately, especially, I've been getting in these moods where it feels like I'm completely alone and that no one really cares what I have to say. And also I start getting mad at myself for the stupidest things. I'm in one of those moods and just wish I was someone else, somewhere else. Anywhere but here; anyone but me. I have such a good life, and I know it. Today is proof of that: I got a new guitar, painted my room, had my hair done, and it was just great. So why do I feel like crap? I'm so selfish. I admit it freely. And I'm cruel to other people. I say things without speaking, and regret it later.

I should have known my day would end like this, just based on my morning. I had a dream last night and woke up crying. It was over nothing, really. I mean, it wasn't a nightmare or anything. I don't even remember it. And I don't think I want to know.

Why can't I just be happy? Just happy with no doubts, or sadness, or anger? And yet I know the answer. It's like everything else. God gives us trials so we can prove that we deserve this life. I chose life over death already. Now I just have to prove that I deserve it. And I want to. But I don't want to hurt. I don't want to be afraid. I don't want to have to think that I'm a horrible person, or that I'm not good enough. And the thing that scares me the most is that those feelings were all a part of my depression. I don't think its come back, but I'm afraid it will. Who knows how much more I can take from people? From myself? From that voice in the back of my head that tells me everything that I don't want to hear.

My life hasn't been perfect. I would be a liar if I said it was. But it could've been worse, I know that for certain. I've watched people fall deeper and deeper from my cozy spot at the top of the hole for too long. And I've tried to help. But its never been enough. Why can't I save them?

Who have I become? The idea that the little blonde girl in the picture downstairs is me is something entirely too complicated for me to fathom. Too often do I look in the mirror and wonder who it is that looks back at me. It's not bad. It's not good. It's simply a moment of amazement. I'm sure you remember that extremely long post about time God-knows-how-many months ago? I simply wonder what happened to all the time. How was I a kindergartner with pink jeans and a red velvet shirt one second, and a black-wearing post-suicidal teenager the next? What happened to all the time?! Where the heck did my childhood go?! I don't remember having one. It was always goodbyes and worries and never knowing what was going to happen. Most people cam dream about graduating from a certain high school, but I don't even know how long I'll be at Madison. Or how many schools I'm yet to go to. You know Madison is my ninth school? Ninth grade, ninth school. How the hell am I supposed to be a normal child after everything? Everything?! Having nightmares for months about my parents dying, never being able to be friends with someone for more than a few years, getting sucked into the popular clique because I so desperately wanted to have something to hold onto. And after everything, who am I?

A face in the crowd. A voice in the din. A data point. A statistic. An outlier. Who am I? No one. I'm no one of consequence.

But I will be someone. I'll be someone, mark my words. I'm not going to be a face in the crowd, a voice in the din, a data point, a statistic, or an outlier. I'm going to be someone. Someone worth knowing, someone who means something to other people. And that's what my life is for, I think. To mean something to someone else. What are we, if we don't mean anything to anyone? If we're the girl down the street, or the boy in the back? The ones that no one notices. The ones that no one cares about.

I will make a difference. I will change someone's life for the better. I'm tired of labels and just being another person. No, I'm done with that. This year marks the end of me being afraid and insecure. Because I know that no matter how bad things get, I am strong enough to get through and prove that I deserve this life. I will not be an embarrassment to God. Or to anyone else.

I will be me.

Writing Fail

It's been nine months since I started my sequel. You know, my first book only took me five months to write. Ugh. And it's been almost 13 months since I started my first book. My goal - I SWEAR TO YOU I WILL REACH THIS GOAL - is to have it published by the end of the school year. And then the story I started last month is just over 50 pages long at this point. Pretty good, no? Just wanted to update you on my other failures.

Peace

Emily's Wish

(Sorry to all my usual readers - I needed some way to post this info since I'm not sure how to do this on FB yet. Just ignore this post if you don't live near me)

Okay, this is the email - in its entirety - from the Mandells.

Dear Family and Friends,

We thought it was about time for us to introduce to some, and remind others, of a benefit concert we are having in honor of Emily named Emily’s Wish. We decided to send you an email because of your participation in Emily’s carepage, and once again we can’t thank you enough for all the love and support you showed us during the past year.

Emily's Wish is a fundraiser committed to raising awareness and funds for pediatric brain tumors. We have reserved Jammin’ Java, a really cute coffee shop in Vienna, VA from 2-4pm on September 13th, 2009. We have booked Rocknoceros, which is a really fun, family friendly band. There will also be a silent auction, and we will even be raffling off an iPod Touch! All proceeds for the event will go to the “Cure ATRT Now” Fund, which supports research and collaboration between scientists and oncologists that are working to find a cure for ATRTs, Emily’s tumor type.

At the event, we will also be recognizing all the runners and walkers participating in the Baltimore Half Marathon in honor of Emily by calling them up on stage and presenting them with a t-shirt! Needless to say it should be a really fun day and if all goes well, we would like to make this an annual event. We can only sell 200 tickets so buy yours online soon, and kids less than one don’t need a ticket!

Jammin’ Java has the event up on their website, and you should be able to buy tickets now, just click on the link below.

http://jamminjava.com/home/events/emilys-wish-featuring-rocknoceros

If you cannot attend Emily’s Wish and still want to contribute, please feel free to donate to the Jimmy Fund Walk link below. We are participating as Virtual Walkers, and once again all proceeds will be going to the Cure ATRT Now Fund.

http://www.jimmyfundwalk.com/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=297511&lis=1&kntae297511=803D0E4D4C66460FBDCE4367D0995BB1&supId=255354844

Thank you all for supporting this very important endeavor and making a difference in our children’s lives. Feel free to contact us at emilyswish@gmail.com if you have any questions, and we hope to see you on September 13th at Jammin’ Java!

So if some people could go it'd be awesome.

Peace

Gunshots Ring Out In The Night

I'm getting my hair cut tomorrow! Not dyed, according to mother, but I'm still hopeful.

Ah, shit. This Psych episode is scary as hell! Oh, I'm insulted now; the possesed girl is speaking German...apparently that is "spouting a demonic language." How wonderful. However, I am happy that I knew what she was saying.

Eh My God, A Tree

It's rather perplexing, Facebook. I don't feel as if I can really let everyone know what's on my mind like I can on Blogger. I suppose it's mostly the fact that the people I'm friends with are my friends, but not close enough that I really want them to now about all my issues. Besides, I like to rant. And it seems that isn't something that you can really do in FB. That fact is truly saddening. So Blogger is going to remain my favorite social-networking-type site, never fear.

Anyways, I'm rewatching Fruits Basket since I finished Ouran High School Host Club for the second time. Ah, I have missed Haru and Kyo. Although I'm still not sure what side of the fence Haru is on.... Still love him though!

Last night (ON YOUTUBE!) I as watching the bloopers for OHSHC. It's so funny what the people who are doing the voice overs say when they forget lines. The guy who does the voice of Tamaki says "crap" every five seconds, and the man who does Kyoya starts babbling. Actually, the girl who does the voice of Haruhi reminds me a lot of Julianne (from camp - Sarah knows her). It's very amusing. Oh, and my favorite line from the bloopers is: "Don't worry: I'm just crushing this child. Your mother here told me to." Or perhaps: "I HATE YOUR FACE." Also, was anyone aware that Honey was voiced by a girl? Same with the little boy in one of the first episodes that wanted to be Tamaki's apprentice.

Anyways, I'm starting school Tuesday. I'm pretty nervous once I start thinking about it, but otherwise I don't even care.

Damn it, I'm really hungry and my dad won't let me eat anything. I have my own box of Fiber One bars, but have already eaten half of it. Oh, screw it, I'll eat another. *inhales snack bar* I'M STILL HUNGRY!

*eats cash in wallet* Still hungry....

*eats cell phone*

*eats space bar*

Seethisiswhathappenswhenyougettoohungry.Yourcomputerpaystheultimateprice.Soifyou'renothappywiththefactthatIcan'tusethesapcebar,blamemydad.

Peace

I Am Not Afraid Of This Flashlight

Ah, ha! Watch the first tape in this video. I could never find that video, but there it is! This is an episode from my favorite segment on CNN. It's the Daily Distraction, hosted by Jarrett Bellini (who is amazing), and it's on CNN.com every day. So amazing.

Okay, somehow this program was downloaded onto my computer that's trying to make me correct my typing. For instance, in this post alone, it's told me to change "every day" to "everyday." Which is INCORRECT. Then it did the stupid "incomplete sentence" thing for that last sentence in the paragraph above. Hey, it's like that for a REASON. It's also decided that "correct" should be capitalized, as should "last." So screw that program that's trying to screw up my typing. Oh, now "my" should be capitalized. REALLY?! And it's saying something about putting a comma behind the word "after," which I cannot find. Except the one in that last sentence. *sigh* What the hell is this program?

Oh, I forgot my good news! My dad finally unblocked Youtube and Facebook! So I can use both, and have been watching Ouran High School Host Club in English. Well, the episodes that I wasn't able to before. But I was quite sad in one episode where they changed my favorite line. "I have deduced that your imagination has no coherence whatsoever" has become something like: "I've decided that your daydreams make so sense whatsoever." Which is a fail on their part. I also started watching livelavalive and have totally fallen in live with Mitchel Davies...and his hair.

I discovered that I have over $100 in my wallet...not sure how it got there but I assure you that I didn't steal it. I think. I hope. *shifty eyes*

Hahaha, I love Reggie Aqui from CNN. "No, she's not crazy. She's stupid." He's so funny, even though he tries to be cool. It's like Tamaki but without the "daddy" stuff. Here is el linko to the particular video I'm referencing. It's the second tape in the video. He and Naamua are the best pair on CNN.com.

My mother is beginning to annoy me with the "wiser than thou" act. For one, she's decided that I'm too young to psychoanalyze my own habits and behaviors. Then there's the: "I know you better than you do" thing. Oh, really? I'm so much of a child that I can't understand myself? That's great. Really great.

Peace

I Have Deduced That Your Imagination Has No Coherence Whatsoever

I feel like crying I'm so sad about this show ending. It's so ridiculous that I love it, but it's the last episode ad I'm basically writing this post without looking. I have Internet Explorer on half the screen and Firefox on the other half. Well, this is depressing. This show has always been ridiculous, ad now that it's serious I'm not sure what to make of it. On the other hand, I feel like punching Lady Eclair in the face. *eye twitch* Oh, I don't think I can deal with these shows that don't show who ends up with who. It pisses me off more than anything in these shows. I honestly don't believe this....

Anyways, today is Bill and Tom Kaulitz's birthday! Yay! Happy birthday!

I love Tamaki...how he's so ignorant that he's completely in love with Haruhi. I still don't get why he decided that he's her "daddy." And he's so obnoxious that you just have to love him. Of course, it's plainly obvious at times that he's very intelligent. He's very immature, but extremely intelligent. He's also an inherently good person.

Now the twins are something else entirely. Thinking of them brings the word "incest" to mind, actually. They're great, and I love them to death (my favorite is Hikaru, though). At the beginning it was a bit awkward, of course. Then you just get used to it. And once you see them sleeping together you're just like: "Okay." Creepy how the Japanese think that incest is fine *cough* Vampire Knight *cough*. There was this other show, too. About this boy falling i love with his step-sister. Yeah.... The twins make it less creepy, I think. They're just adorable as well.

Then there's Kyoya, whose quote is the title of this post. Talking to Tamaki, no less. Kyoya is probably the most difficult one to understand out of all the Host Club members, for me. I became a bit worried in the episode where he tries to make a point and tries to make Haruhi think that he's going to rape her. That was...awkward. Love him, though.

I really dislike Honey, finding him extremely irritating and childish. He's supposed to be seventeen, but acts - and looks- like he's six. I definitely prefer Momigi.

Okay, anime ramblings are over. I'll have something a bit more interesting to post tomorrow, since I'm aware that no one knows (or cares) who/what I'm talking about. But, like I've said before, this blog is for ME and not for YOU.

So there.

Fruits Basket Ramblings

I've been watching Fruits Basket since yesterday afternoon. This show is so awesome; I love it. It's nothing like Death Note, so I can't compare it. It's just so amazing. All the guys in this show are hilarious. I find the girls lacking any complexity in their characters, but the boys make up for it. My favorite character is probably Kyo, even though that's probably a bit odd. He has this outrageous temper, and he's really brusque, but I just love him so much. It might have something to do with the fact that he turns into a cat.... And then there's Haru, who's awesome. I actually just realized while I was typing that sentence that my two favorite characters are probably the ones with the shortest tempers (Haru when he's Black Haru) and the foulest mouths. It's amusing when Kyo talks, because he curses in about every sentence. And Haru is just plain awesome. Of course, I also love Yuki and Shigome. All the guys.

I find Taru's character a bit dim, and it bothers me how every episode she has to have this long, "inspirational" speech about life.

Haha, so Yuki and Taru are talking about how nice fall is, and when she asks Kyo, he says: "What the hell does it matter?!" It's also amusing how in love Kyo is with Taru, but how afraid he is of feeling like that. And then there's Kyo's stalker. She's actually related to him distantly. She's totally infatuated with him, but beats him up every time he says something rude. I so want Taru to end up with Kyo, but she's obviously in love with Yuki. It's not that I don't like him, but I just like Kyo more. He's so cute!

Hm, turns out this show is much darker than I thought. It saddens me, actually, that it's finally getting really iteresting and I only have one episode left.

Okay, I keep getting distracted by the show, so I'm on the last episode now. This is like seriously depressing. A least Kyo is okay. You know, I wonder what happened to Haru. I haven't seen him in a while.... Anyways, this is probably the worst ending ever. It really ticks me off when you don't find out who ends up with who. *sigh* Well it's over now, and I'm sad. perhaps I'll rewatch the series at a later time. Right now, however, Brenda has reccomended another show. So I'll be off.

Wer Bin Ich?

I was taking apart my bookshelf and sliced open my wrist...right underneath my palm. So now there's this big band-aid there so I probably look really emo. I'm just hoping that I'm not still wearing it on Tuesday or my classmates will have instant fodder for insults. People are just so nice like that.

Anyways, my mom decided she was too busy to take me to get my hair done, which really annoyed me. At least there's always next weekend, though. I at least want to have my hair dyed before school starts.

It hurts to bend my wrist now. And I got hit with a ricochet airsoft bullet from when I went outside where my two brothers were shooting. Yeah, they like to shoot at the wall and stuff. Idiots.

Excerpt time:

__“Hm?” I stood, and nearly fell again as dizziness hit me like a brick wall. Alex sprung forward and scooped me up in his arms.
__“You’re in no condition to walk, girl,” Syx told me as his friend carried me back to the horses. “Using that much magic without training is not a great idea. As you can probably tell.” I nodded drowsily, letting my head fall against Alexander’s chest. He made a small noise as I let my arms wrap around his neck
__“What’s wrong, Majesty?” My voice was faint.
__“Nothing.” With less effort than I would have thought, he sat me on his horse. “You’ll be riding with me. I think that if you were alone on a horse it would end badly.” He flashed me a smile.
__“Okay.” Syx took my horse’s reins and held them as he waited for Alex to climb on behind me. Then he clambered onto his own mare and loosely hooked the stallion’s reins on the horn on the front of his saddle.
__“She’ll be okay, right?” Alex pulled me closer as his horse began to walk.
__“Mari will be fine. And I’m sure you’ll be watching her every second, even after she’s recovered.” I felt Alex stiffen. A smirk was evident in Syx’s voice, although I was too drowsy to care why.
__“That was out of line.”
__“Forgive me, Alex, but I’ve been able to read you since we were boys. I don’t want to, believe me, but it’s something I just know.” My teacher sighed heavily. “Just don’t hurt her.” Almost instinctively, Alexander dropped one hand from the reins to fall over mine.
__“I won't.” My eyes fluttered closed, and I leaned back against my companion.

As I said in yesterday's post, I'd appreciate ay ideas as to the title for the poem from that same post.

Peace

I can't wait until I can drive...I'd be halfway to New York by now.

I'm The Shattered Youth, And No One Could Believe It

Wow, my parents have finally come to the conclusion that I have insomnia. Can we have a round of applause for the parental units!? Like I haven't known that all summer. Really, I've been mentioning that I don't sleep until the early morning hours, or sometimes not at all. I don't text, and I don't read. Just lie there all night, tired as hell but unable to sleep. And only now do they decide to become concerned? Nice. That's parental compassion at its finest, folks! So my parents think that it's because I don't get enough exercise (pacing all day isn't exercise, apparently), so they said that I should start running a couple miles every day. Which is totally within my capabilities. But just to be me, I proposed a trade-off. I'll start running two or three miles every day if they get rid of Diet Coke in the house. I'm sure I've mentioned how my family is addicted (I'm honestly not kidding about this) to the drink. They get headaches and stuff when they don't drink it. But you know what? They'll have to deal if they want me to run. My mom looked surprised when I told her my proposition, but said that she'd consider it.

In other news, I've decided to enter that poem I wrote a while back into a contest. Mostly because I have nothing to do. But the problem is that it needs a title. It's required, actually. But I can't think of one. Damn it, I don't even know what the poem's about! Sad considering the fact that I wrote it. Anyways, I'm going to re-post the poem at the end of this post; please give me any ideas you have as to a title. I'd prefer it was one word, and "Untitled" does not appeal to me. I already asked my parents about it (neither could even figure out what it was about; not even my dad who's a journalist and author) and they were without an answer. So if you could just comment and give me ideas, that would be great. Thanks so much, you guys.

New band I'm in love with: The Downtown Fiction. Thanks Dita for showing me them. They're actually from Fairfax, which is awesome. It makes me hopeful that perhaps northern Virginia is not slowly killing me. Kidding. Sort of.

And we conspire
That which love cannot permit
Burning deeper than hell's fire
Until the dying breath

I've already tried finding synonyms for words, but it seems impossible if I don't know what it's about. But I think that it means something different to each person, so I don't want to spoil that with a title. *sigh* This is so hard. I'm entering because I'm bored, but also because the first place prize is about $5,000. Yeah, I need a little extra cash.

The reason I need money (only about $120 in truth) is because I want to get a membership on this manuscript editing site. It's one of the best out there, and this could be the thing that helps me get an agent. I have no desire to spend my meager allowance, so I've turned to other methods. Perhaps I'll just ask my parents to get me a membership as a personal favor to me. *rolls eyes* That's so going to happen.

Alright, I think that's everything.

Ciao

Alles Ist Perfekt

Finally became angry enough that I wrote Verizon a letter. It's in the mail box now, waiting to be picked up. Also set up my business email. I needed one anyways for contacting agents and such, but created it today so that Verizon could respond.

I win.

Du Bist Wie Ein Maschine

I can't contain my excitement over Tokio Hotel. Seriously, I feel like I've just discovered their awesomeness, even though I've known about said awesomeness for about a year and a half. I'm going so crazy.... Also, the site I was talking about where you can download music for free? Yeah, I now have TH's next two singles that are going to be released next month. No big. *rolls on floor giggling* Nope. Not that exciting. It's sad really, how many times I've listened to the singles.... I even have the German lyrics memorized even though it hasn't been 24 hours yet. Have to say: love the songs. Love the band. Love the singer. Yep, I'm in love. Pathetic, isn't it?

In other news, I made muffins for the first time in two months. I usually make them every weekend, but haven't had time of late.

God, I am in such a weird mood. I feel so weird. Like the feeling you get when you have a crush on someone. You feel slightly sick, but in a good way (haha Brenda). No idea why I feel this way (It's not because of TH. I think.) My dreams probably made me feel this way. In my dream, there was this totally awesome guy who was my boyfriend. And then it changed so this other guy that I actually know (not saying who - both for my sake and his) was my boyfriend. But in my dream it made perfect sense that we were together...then I woke up. And I was like: "what?" But that feeling is still there and it's freaking me out. Because I don't know any cool guys (hm, except Ryan (hehe)) and I do not have a crush on the other guy. It's even weirder because he's one of my friends. And for the record, it is not Kris.

Ugh, I did something to my thumb on my left hand so it makes texting extremely hard. I also can't touch it which is rather annoyng so I have to change my typing slightly. Ow, just clicked the space bar with my left thumb! *falls off bed* Now the CTRL button. *eye twitch*

My life is absolutely tragic.

Anyways, my dream showed me - once I'd woken up - how much I do not want a boyfriend. The thought has actually begun to scare me, therefore forcing me to regard myself as a third-grader. When "cooties" were a real thing. Yep, I think Ive returned to that mentality.

Today is looking to be an emotionally-sapping day, so I'll post later. I think. Maybe. Alright, I'm going to get back to writing now.

Peace

What A Life It Is To Behold

So today was our third orientation.... Really, how many do we need? I didn't think we were that dim. Actually, I take it back. There are a few people - who will not be mentioned - that wouldn't understand how to butter a piece of bread if they were showed how to a thousand times. Anyways, it really depressed me today that there doesn't seem to be any awesome guys in our grade. I mean, really? This only leads me to conclude that I will not have a boyfriend until I'm thirty. Now, I'm not really one to go all crazy over boys (God forbid), but can't I just have a single indulgence? Please?

In other news, I'm watching my favorite Bones episode of all time. It's from season four: Mayhem On A Cross.

I've also been writing quite a lot in my new story, hereby known as Apprentice. Not the actual title, of course, but I need something to call it besides "my new story." If you remember, I only ever name things after I've finished.

I'm trying out a new anime series that looks alright...it's called D.Gray-man. It doesn't look to bad compared to the other stuff I've thought about watching. I'm just too picky, I think. The annoying thing is that it's English Dubbed *eye twitch*. Why can't they just do voice-overs!? Is it really that hard? Hehe, the boy's talking to a cat.

I was going to post an excerpt, but couldn't find one. Yesterday's poem will have to do.

Nightmare

No one hears her silent screams
No one there inside her dreams
No one there to feel her pain
With no one there, she goes insane

Isn't It Nice To Finally Be Laid To Rest?

Holy sh*t! I signed up for this numerology thing online simply because I was bored...and I just got back the results. Holy sh*t. I'm seriously afraid that this person is stalking me. OH MY GOD. This person knows everything about me, it seems. What my chosen career is, the way I feel about people, my personality, and my "love life" (laughs). Oh, sh*t. This is seriously scary. I'm actually shaking right now.


In other news, I've discovered a site where I can pretty much download any song I want...for free. I'm a little hesitant because I don’t know if it's legal. But Safe Eyes didn't block it (it blocks illegal things), and since that program is like an over-protective mother, I can assume that the site's safe. Now let the music downloading begin! So far I've only downloaded two songs....


Okay, since I've finished Death Note, I started watching Vampire Knight. It's pretty good, but it's not in English so it's rather annoying to have to read the subtitles while I type. The show has lots of hot guys, which is nice. However, they've just introduced a new character, one that is nearly as annoying as Misa in Death note. I hate those kind of girls who are all boy-crazy and like...intrude on their personal bubble. If I were I guy, I would hate a girl who's clinging onto me every second. Or one of those whiny girls who are always around, wanting to protected. Ugh. Can't girls understand that the reason our sex is deemed inferior is because of people like that? It’s infuriating.

However, at least Misa wasn’t walking up to other girls and being all flirty with them. Maria’s just plain annoying.

Peace

Sigh

Don't read this first paragraph if you don't care about Death Note.

So...today was basically my Watch-Death Note-Obsessively day. I cried so much the episode that L died...especially in the part of the episode when L and Light were being really nice to each other (Brenda knows what scene I'm talking about). That totally tore me up. I've also spent a lot of time cursing Light to hell. Why kill L?! Really?! He was the best - and funniest - character. But now there's a new guy that Light passed the notebook to...he's really hot. It sounds weird, but it's so true. Of course I miss L terribly. *sobs* I also really like Mello and Near. Gah, why are there so many people in this show that I like? Of course, two of them are totally crazy, but whatever.

Anyways, I'm totally stuck in this weird habit of writing where I write one page of a story, then another page of another story. And so on and so forth. Perhaps it stems from my weird sleeping patterns of late, or perhaps my obsession with random things. Such as: Death Note, James Rollins, black pens, Tokio Hotel, and Cinema Bizarre. Not to mention cats, L, being lazy, and hacking iTunes. You know, I have such a great life. *rolls eyes*

I'm feeling particularly bored so I'll say goodbye.

There's A Five Percent Chance

I really hate it when I mention something to my parents - very offhandedly, I might add - and they just get stuck on it. What I'm currently referencing is the fact that I mentioned months ago that a small part of me was considering trying cross-country this year. Then my parents started obsessing over it, emailing the coach at Madison and everything. Now don't get me wrong, I love to run. But they've talked about it so much, and pressured me about it so much that I don't want to do it anymore. Even just thinking about it makes me annoyed.

Anyways, I started watching Death Note today. I'm on episode eight, and it's absolutely fantastic! I love L so much that it's ridiculous. He's so funny and actually really cute.... :D I really want to read it (stealing it from Brenda in the middle of the night - I'll dress like a ninja) now. To be honest, Light scares me to death. But the death god is probably the second funniest character in the entire series...L is the first.

Today was one of those days where I did totally random things (like earlier in the summer where I learned self-hypnosis and advanced taekwondo moves). For instance, I decided to learn how to tie a Muslin headscarf and moved my mirror to every possible spot in my room.

Hehe...L's so cute. He has these big eyes and messy hair.... <3 I hate how I always love fictional characters. His thought process amazes me. It saddens me greatly to know what L's going to die.... *sobs* I HATE HOW OBSESSED I GET OVER FICTIONAL GUYS. Just wanted you all to know. Oh, my God! "I want to tell you...I'M L!" That was probably the funniest line.... He looks so mental in Episode 9 that it makes me love him even more.... For those who have not seen/read Death Note: YOU MUST.

I seriously have issues.

Alright, so tomorrow I'll be painting my walls. Besides that, I need to write some more in both or one of my stories. After that, I need to unpack fully and clean up my room. Before I paint, I need to move my decrepit bookshelf.

I don't understand how Light is able to kill L. L's just so awesome... *throws self on ground crying hysterically* L's so cute.... It infuriates me that L considers the fact that Light may not be Kira. I mean, REALLY!? Please don't die....

Okay, I'm finished.

Peace

Systematic

I've been told that I'm very excitable. It seems, at times like this, that the statement is true. I was looking through my usual sites for updates (band sites, CNN, Hulu) and they have so many new pictures of Tokio Hotel that I've now transcended into "fangirl" mode. This girly mentality makes me feel ridiculous and like I just lost 100 IQ points. Yeah, not a great feeling for someone who thinks of themselves as - and prides themselves on being- educated.

In other news, I have located Harry Potter 2 (the movie) after over a year of searching. As you can imagine, I would be quite proud if not for my current state of mind. Which, to tell the truth, is one-tracked. BILL. In a way, it's good that I've gotten back into obsessing over them, particularly considering the fact that my summer's not the greatest.

Okay, I'll write more tonight...after I finish taking down pictures and stuff...and cleaning my walls with this stuff that's highly toxic. Oh, wonderful, right? I'm going to paint two more walls tomorrow, if I'm lucky. And after cleaning my walls, I need to fully unpack.

Peace

Homecoming

I AM BACK! *big smile*

Why Do I Keep Loving You?

I'm so close to crying that it's ridiculous. I'm so fucking fed up with Safe Eyes, and I can't do shit about it. I'm at the point where I'm considering wiping the hard drive and reinstalling all the programs...except Safe Eyes. It's just the most fucked-up program out there. What really drives me crazy is that it's the #2 internet filter program out there, and parents are giving it all sorts of wonderful reviews. So I got onto one of those big software review sites and wrote a reiew that was more of a rant about it. The realization just dawned on me that I'm probably one of the only people my age who has to search half an hour for something that I could've found on the first page that Google directed me to...and most of the time never end up being able to find it. I'm so close to tears I'm so frustrated. It's taking all my self-control not to start cursing at the top of my lungs and hurl my computer at the wall.

Actually just started crying for a minute.... There are no words to describe how much I hate that program. But GODDMAN MOTHERFUCKIN' BITCH OF A PROGRAM describes a tiny part of it.

Excerpt because I have to distract myself (from my sequel):

___“She is an eagle. Cunning and deceptively fast, but the communist species has dwindling numbers for a reason.” Mr. Fredericks’ words echoed in my head. A fire pulsed through my veins, and I stood.
___“Down with communism!” I shouted. All heads in the auditorium turned to me. Marissa’s eyes narrowed. “Down with communism!” I yelled again. Beside me, Cody rose and began to chant with me. Tom and indigo joined next, followed by Luke and Caylee. Like a wildfire spreading, students began to stand up and chant. Soon, everyone was up, pumping their fists and standing on their seats.
___“Down with communism! Down with Mayer! Down with communism! Down with Mayer!” Teachers rushed about, trying uselessly to settle everyone. A man standing beside Marissa raised a gun and fired shots through the ceiling. Still pandemonium raged.
___“Be quiet!” The woman screamed into the microphone. No one listened. No one heard over the din.
___Without a second thought, I began to sprint down the open isle, straight towards the stage.
___“Maxwell!” Marissa shrieked at the man beside her. The man caught my eyes and raised his gun. A single shot was fired, and the wood paneling behind his head exploded. I dropped to the ground, then glanced back. A grinning Trevor stood beside William, who was holding a handgun in one hand, and a knife in the other. Trevor let the M16 slide onto his back. I smiled, getting to my feet swiftly and continuing my run to the podium. With the man, Maxwell, preoccupied with other students trying to reach the stage, I was able to jump onto the edge of the stage.
___Marissa had taken her eyes off me for a moment, looking at the furious crowd. A moment was all I needed.
___I lashed out at her, extending one foot. My kick hit her square in the back, causing her to crumple. Her head hit the podium, and she was knocked unconscious. There was a shout to my right; my head snapped in that direction. Maxwell was barreling towards me, gun raised. I had no where to go.
___But at the last second, a black figure, whirling with the ease of a practiced martial artist, dropped the man with a single blow. In the pandemonium, I saw William making his way to the stage, the crowd parting like the Red Sea. Trevor was one step behind him, shouldering his lethal rifle.

Okay, I'll talk tomorrow when I'm not so angry.

There's No Real Love In You

Oh, my god, did you guys see the Cobra Starship ad for the VMA's?! It's totally awesome! Anyways....

AUGUST 18

Would anyone believe me when I said that today I: jumped out of a very tall tree, rode in a car that drove into the river...and kept driving, almost got hit by a train, and nearly was "abducted" by "hobos?" Probably not, but whatever. I have written 35 pages in my new story so far, which made me very happy. Tomorrow's the last day I'll be in Wisconsin, since we're staying in Minneapolis until Saturday. I'm not sure what else to write, so I'll be finsihed for tonight.

AUGUST 19

AH OMG OMG OMG! I finally was able to listen to the excerpts of Tokio Hotel's new singles (Automatic and Automatisch) and, while excited, have mixed feelings about it. It's definitely more poppy than their old stuff (Zimmer 483 - best TH album EVER!), but I can't help but love it. That's the problem with me with Tokio Hotel...I just have to love it. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't hate it. I may not love Bill's look (sorry), but the band will always have a special part of my heart. And for the record, Automatisch is better by far (as all the German songs are).

So I'm watching America's Best Dance crew right now because I have nothing better to do. And I've got to say: these people are amazing. Like, its totally mind-blowing how good these dancers are.

Excerpt time:

__“Damn it, Mari!” he shouted, sweeping towards me. His dark hair was tousled from the cloak, but his eyes shone brighter than ever. “I spoke to you not an hour ago about controlling your temper or you’ll destroy the entire city! And what do you do?! You cause a fucking wind that toppled half the carts in the city, and even blew roofs apart! Thank Gods that I could trace you here!” The mage, gasping for breath, looked between the king and me. “What happened?” He asked in a more dulcet tone.
__“Come,” The king ushered us into a smaller chamber, summoning a squire to whom he gave orders to inform his previous meeting that he would have to reschedule. “Show him,” he ordered me, referring to the note. I handed it to Syx.
__“Dmitri, the bastard,” Syx spat. Not a second later, a deafening boom shook the palace. Syx’s eyes burned. “Magic. Alex, you’re not safe here.”
__“Are you suggesting I leave?” the king retorted, checking the hallway.
__“Yes.”
__“I can't, damn it! I can't just abandon the city, abandon my people! I have responsibilities as king, Syx!” Alexander looked terrified nonetheless.
__“This is an attack, Majesty! You’ll do little good to your people when you’re dead!” Syx yelled. “Alex, we have to leave.” The king bit his lip, torn.

God, I'm so messed up today. I woke up around eleven, then took a shower, then got ready for the day. By then it was about noon. So now it seems like noon even though it's almost 5:30. Weird!

I really don't know what to write about, so I'll leave it with this:

Peace

Nod Your Head And Tell Me

AUGUST 18

Hola, it’s Tuesday morning, very early morning, to be exact. Just turned Tuesday, in fact. So today’s my cousin’s 16th birthday. We’re rented a boat on the river for today, and we’ll be spending pretty much all day there. You know, I remember my cousin when she was six years old…. It’s quite odd to think that she’ll be turning sixteen. God, I can barely wrap my head around it!
Anyways, I’m writing my new story right now, and have half a page until I get to thirty pages! I’m so excited! It means I can actually finish this one, whenever it does end. I decided to post an excerpt I wrote in the last half hour, which I find very amusing (the writing, not how much time it’s been a part of my story). I should probably tune everyone in to what’s happening in the story, but I really hate summaries and synopsizes.
Actually, I’ve had to start writing my own language for this story. You don’t see any of it in this excerpt, but I worked hard on the language. So far the only words I have are ones that have been used, which isn’t many. But I also have two pages of grammar rules (sentence structure, gender of nouns, conjugations, forming a question, possessive noun rules, pronunciation, and origins of the words). I actually got the inspiration for writing a new language from J.R.R. Tolkien, inarguably the best writer that has ever lived. I’ve long been fascinated by the fact that he wrote the Elvish language, and how it is an actual language. God, that’s so amazing. Of course, mine will inevitably pale in comparison, but I do need it for writing purposes and to make sure that my writing is consistent in its entirety. I’m well aware that no one will understand the language, but for my own purposes, I would like to set parameters so that my writing in this other language does not become erratic and inconsistent. In other news, I’ve also finally finished the final copy of the map. Again, I’m perfectly f*cking aware that it is not required for understanding my writing, but it helps me. I’m starting to think that I spend more time on the map and on Ahnan than I do actually writing…. I’ll post a picture of the map eventually (since I want to make myself feel like I did something worthwhile).
Okay, short recap: Mari is an apprentice to Syx, a mage. She is at his home to get books that he requires her to read. Syx is only five years older than her, just in case you were wondering. While I would love for the two of them to fall in love with each other, it seems excessively alike The Immortals series…where Daine falls in love with her teacher (a mage) and ditto for said mage. Now, I do have another possible suitor for Mari, but I’ll keep that hush-hush for now. It’s very scandalous (no, no one in her family. That’s impossible, but more on that later), if I do say so myself. I mean, an age difference off seven or eight years is accepted…I think. Let me consult with my assistant.
Yes, Jessica has declared that it is acceptable. Anyone wishing to protest Jessica’s verdict should phone in through my other assistant, Gordon. He’s a golden retriever; lovable, but dim. He’s a rescue so I haven’t the heart to fire him. Thus I hired Jessica as my second assistant.
Okay, Alanna’s way too tired and should go to bed now, but is in that sort of high you get when you’re astoundingly tired. She’s talking about her assistants (whom she doesn’t have) and apparently one is a golden retriever, who are not dim in the slightest. Alanna is also talking in third person, which may hint at a psychological problem. Oh, look, Alanna’s going to diagnose herself with a mental problem! Hooray!
Yeah, I was up ‘till about three yesterday reading. Of course, I woke up at ten thirty, which amounts to about seven and a half hours of sleep. But since I will be woken up at seven (which is in six hours and twenty-seven minutes from now), I should probably be getting to bed. After I finish my book. This should take about an hour and a half…so that’s about two-ish for bedtime.
Look at me, extending this post to three pages (I'm typing on Word on account that my internet shut off) like I’ve got all the time in the world. Alright, here you go:

“You’re such a lady,” I commented, running a finger against the length of the teacup’s handle.
“How so?” Syx asked indignantly.
“Well, there’s the fine china, the artwork that depicts flowers, the silver candlestick holders, the jewelry, and your obsession over you image, to name a few.”
“I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.” The mage turned away, stowing the kettle in a cabinet.
“Please, Syx. I notice more than most people do. Hyper-aware, I believe I’ve been called.” I brushed a strand of hair behind my ear. “Of course I’m not saying that you’re homosexual-” – he winced at the word – “-but it’s simply amusing to see a twenty-year old male mage who wears more jewelry than a lady.” Syx sat down, pursing his lips, though his eyes smiled.
“Coming from a lower citywoman who looks like a noble, I’m not going to dignify that with a response,” he sniffed.
“You know, I’m so glad I’m not a noble. Gods, I can barely breathe!” I exclaimed, fingering the dress.
“You could take that off, if you wanted,” Syx told me. I gave him a shocked look, and he reddened. “I didn’t mean it like that!”
“Sure you didn’t.” I sipped my tea.
“Mari! I just meant that I could get something for you to wear-”
“-Your clothes are too big-”
“Do you forget that I’m a mage?!”
“Not at all, Mr. Most-Powerful-Mage-In-The-World,” I snorted. Syx glared at me for a moment before angrily drinking his tea. “I’m kidding, Syx.”
“Good,” he replied shortly.
“Come on, smile,” I wheedled. He fought to keep his frown. I stood up and stepped behind his chair, positioning my lips beside his ear. “Smile, Maxwell Strima,” I whispered. He turned and looked at me, staring deep into my eyes. So deep, in fact, that I felt as if he could read my thoughts, that he could see my soul.
I turned away quickly.
“So, I should probably get going,” I said loudly. “Thanks for the books, by the way. They’re…pretty.”
“Pretty?” The mage raised one eyebrow, amused.
“Yeah. And um, the meeting with the king was nice. He’s different than I expected.” I collected up the books. “And thanks…for the tea. Mm, wonderful! Never had such good tea in my life, to be honest.”
“Mari,” he said patiently.
“Oh, and should I mention that your house is lovely! Absolutely lovely!” I backed up, heading for the door. “I suppose I should like to know the name of your decorator-” I caught my foot on a small table, and tumbled backwards, landing flat on my back.
“Oh, shit!” Syx was helping me up in an instant. “Gods, Mari, be careful! You know that doors don’t just magically guide you through them, right?” He smiled, handing me a book.
“Yes, I do,” I snatched the book from his hand. “You just distracted me.”
“Right. So it had nothing to do with my decorator?” He laughed.
“Glad you find me so amusing,” I huffed, readjusting my hold on the volumes. “It’s wonderful to know that you’ll have a walking comedy around you for the next few years.”
“Better than a walking corpse,” he pointed out brightly. I glowered at him. “Although I suppose you could manage that, in time.” I froze.
“What…like, raise the dead?”
“I don’t know how powerful you’ll be, Mari. But if you wanted to, I think you could, eventually.” I blinked several times. This was something new to ponder.

I've been an emotional wreck for the past few days, and practically anything will set me off, whether it be on a crying fit or a screaming fit. I'm just so sick of everything. I'm about one annoying comment away from shoving my brother onto the highway, and can think of nothing better than starting school. Honestly? Am I really so pathetic? I honestly think that because I write so much is one of the reasons that my depression's gone away. It's like I'm making an escape to a different place, where things are different. I can get caught up in my own little world and get away from everything around me. Sanctuary? Hm, perhaps.

Peace

Take A Picture, We Don't Care

Okay, so today I got to fly a plane. Technically, it was a glider, but that’s still an airplane, just without a motor. I have to say that it was perhaps one of the most amazing things I I’ve ever done in my life. It’s like a roller coaster, only the sensations last longer. Stalling was absolutely terrifying in an amazing way. You point the nose straight up until you’re about to flip end over end, and plummet backwards until you pull the plane back even. You can also turn sharply, angling the nose down then pull up at the last second before you get to much speed that you’re about to crash. God, it was so amazing.

I found out that I can get my glider permit this year, and my license next year. I can get my pilot’s permit next year, and my license the year after that. I’ve asked my parents if I can take lessons in Virginia, and they’re pretty okay with it since they’re both pilots themselves. It is a tad expensive, but my family is not in any immediate financial peril.

Anyways, I’ve written twenty-two pages in my story so far, so I’m making progress. Eight more pages and I’m home free. Another excerpt:

“Don’t mention it.” She tugged on the laces, and I swear I felt a rib snap. “Sorry if it hurts.” I winced in reply. Liza helped me until I was completely dressed, shoes and all. The low neckline of the dress fell below the diamond pendant, and I fingered it anxiously.
“I’m so nervous,” I admitted.
“Stop it, Mari. You look like a noblewoman if I ever saw one. You have nothing to be nervous about.”
“Besides the fact that I look like I belong in Court. Damn it, Liza, can I look?” She hadn’t allowed me to see myself in the mirror.
“Go ahead.” I turned around and gasped.
“Shit, Liza, I can't do this,” the girl in the mirror murmured. Curses didn’t seem to fit in her mouth. I turned away from her reflection. “I can't, I can't, and I won't.”
“Let’s go downstairs.” I reddened at the mere thought.
“No!” But she grabbed my hand and towed me into the hallway, then down the stairs; I only made it halfway down before I heard the whooping.
“Mari!” Someone catcalled. I hid my face in my hands as everyone stared. Then there was a crash from the kitchen, and someone swearing.
“Damn it, Kristian! That shit was boiling, you are aware?” Fres’s booming voice filled the room. I lowered my hands and saw Kristian staring at me. A kettle lay on the ground, the hot water that had once occupied it now all over the floor.
He stared at me the way that the men had done to Lady Amanda of Port Judah last winter. That woman was the most beautiful human in the world, they would say. Every man wanted to dance with her. Even the lower citymen had fallen hard for the noblewoman. It made me uncomfortable that Kristian now looked at me that way.
“Say something,” I demanded softly. The man put his elbows on the counter, facing away from me, and put his head in his hands.
“Go…. Leave!” He shouted. I stumbled back, hurt. The bells began to ring their seven chimes.
“Kris-”
“Please,” he looked at me. “Just leave. Gods, I can't do this, Mari. Just go.”

Hope everyone’s having a great summer/start of school.

Adieu.

Hope It's Not Too Late

AUGUST 13:

Ever notice how the letter “y” makes everything look more elegant? Seriously! I’ve only just noticed this, but it’s quite amusing.

Anyways, I’ve started a new story. Nothing that would require a long-term commitment, you understand. Just a distraction to help me get over my writer’s block. I realized it only took me five months to write my first book. The second one is going on its eighth month. Really? How unfair is that? So I have my new one to entertain me. It’s set in a medieval- type world, one where magic is possible. For anyone whose read Tamora Pierce’s work, it’s the same basic idea for the setting. But what sucks about writing about a place that doesn’t exist is that I need a map to understand where everything is. So I’ve spent the past few hours drawing a goddamn map. I’ve named all the wonderful countries, rivers, capitals, ports, cities, bodies of water, and mountain ranges. I can tell you about the government of each country, as well as their major imports and exports. I can tell you about the imminent war between two countries. I can name the rulers of each country. But I can't tell you where my story’s going or what the point of it is. So hooray!

On a happier note: I finally asked my mother about dyeing my hair! She said yes, and said that I could even get some temporary dye to figure out exactly what I want before we go to a salon. Seriously, I almost fainted when she told me that. My parents have been yelling at me nonstop over the past couple days, so much so that I’m truly worried about my depression coming back. So my mother being really nice? Something is up, but I’m not sure what.

How do you tell where a gulf ends and a sea begins? Or do you even need the gulf? Because I’m looking at the Kryst Sea and the Maslin Gulf and cannot figure out if I need the gulf or not.

Alright, it’s officially the next day. I’ve been staying up really late typing for the past few days, so it’s not that uncommon for me to randomly glance at the clock and be like: “Oh, is it morning already?” I hope to God I'm not becoming insomniatic again. Because that was an aspect of my prior depression….

I’ll post a bit of my new story if that’s alright. This is the beginning of chapter one:

“Marica? Wake up, sweetie.” I didn’t understand. I peeked through heavy eyelids and saw only my mother, holding a lantern. Was this some birthday surprise? I was turning eight years old next week, so I was practically a lady. But I didn’t want to be a lady if I had to wake up this early.
“Mama?”
“Yes, it’s me, sweetheart.” She stroked my cheek. “Hurry and get up. Kel’s waiting.” Kel was Mama’s friend who trained the hunting dogs in our village. He was nice, as far as men went, but he wasn’t my Da.
I stumbled out of my bed, letting Ma pull a man’s tunic over my head. It reached past my feet, dragging on the floor. Ma pursed her lips.
“I s’pose it’ll have to do,” she muttered, handing me a bag. I took a peek inside. My doll Ana was in there, along with some other cloths that looked like clothes, perhaps.
“Mama, what’s happening?” She smiled sadly.
“You don’t belong here, child. I want to give you a better life than the one we have here.” My eyebrows pulled together.
“Whaddya mean?” I asked. She shook her head, tying back my hair with a ribbon. Mama kissed my cheeks and took me outside.
“Listen to me, Marica Catelli, I love you. And I’m doing this because I want what’s best for you.” A tear rolled down her cheek. “I’m going to miss you, sweetheart.” I began to panic.
“Where am I going?”
“Out of Crenta. Kel will take you to Arnan, and leave you with a friend of his who’ll look after you until you can decide what you want to do with your life.”
“Mama, no! I want to stay here with you!” I grabbed her hand as tight as I possibly could. She squeezed my small hand.
“I will find you one day, Mari. I promise.” Then she picked me up and set me on Dusty, the stallion that Pa had bought her only a week before he died. “I promise that no matter what, I’m going to be with you again.” Kel reached for my reins from his mare. “Look after her, Kel.” The man nodded.
“You have my word, Sara.”
That day, Kel and I rode for Arnan. He never spoke to me, not even to quiet my sobs. Three days later I arrived in the city. Minus Kel and plus Kristian. There had been an accident; Kel was killed, and I’d lost every memory I had, except for my name. Marica. No last name, just Marica. Kristian found me several hours later.
After that, I grew up with thieves.

SEVEN YEARS LATER

“Kristian, get up!” I pounded on the door to his room. “Or I’ll come in there and toss all your clothes outside!” The door creaked open, a bleary-eyed Kris swearing under his breath.
“Gods curse you, Mari. That goddamned pack of wolves that raised you had better hope that they meet an early death.” I grinned. That pack of wolves had been him and his friends, the thieves of the lower city.
“You know you love me,” I said, standing on tip-toe to rest my head on his shoulder. I peered at him with my icy blue eyes. He kissed me on my cheek, his dark brown eyes dancing.
“Come on, kid. You’ve gotta bellow your heart out to get the rest of them awake.” I laughed sourly.
“The Gods know it. And stop calling me ‘kid,’” I shouted after him. “I’m only, what? Five years younger than you?” Kris turned and smiled wide as he began to make his way to the bottom floor.
“Ramari, wake up!” I threw his door open. The man was already up, pulling his cloak around him. “Where are you going?”
“To Rallam.” He noticed my look. “Don’t give me that, Marica Adman. I’ve perfectly fair business there, and I don’t need your approval.” I snorted.
“No business you’ve ever done is fair, Ramari Sri. That is why I have to mother you all the time,” I punched his shoulder, truthfully sad that he was leaving for a long while. Rallam was far away.
“Oh, really? Then why must I constantly point out to you that you’ve forgotten to tie your hair back?” He handed me a black band, smiling. I cursed and took it from him, tying my thick, black hair into a bun.

Hooray. I’ve only got thirteen pages so far, but I’m nearly halfway there! See, I have a theory that if I make it past thirty pages then I’ve got a stable story. Only my fist book and sequel have done so. I’ve had some stories make it to twenty-eight, but tragically ended. So yeah. I suppose I’ll be getting back to my story now, and I’ll post this when I have internet this morning. So au revoir and adieu.

Peace Out

EDIT: I hate how it won't let me indent paragraphs.

Good News!

I'M NOT DEAD!

Put Your Drink Up In The Air/ Like No One Can Do It, Baby

August 7:

God, I am in such a bad mood. If driving three hundred miles yesterday wasn’t enough, I was also stuck with my five year old brother the entire time. You honestly have no idea how pissed off I am. I’ve totally decided that I hate children, and have more then once contemplated shoving him in a well. Anyways, we’re in CANADA today…just crossed the border actually. My parents are hounding me to read the signs because they’re all in French. It’s like Germany all over again (parents forcing me to translate). Of course Sam is screaming his head off because he doesn’t know how to spell any of the French words, only drawing me closer to murder. Seriously, if I never blog again, it’s because I’m in jail for first-degree murder. Gah MAKE HIM SHIUT THE HELL UP. I AM SO FUCKING ANNOYED WITH HIM I ACTUALLY MIGHT CRY. And not to mention that he woke me up at six fucking thirty this morning. Every word out of his mouth is…GAH! “Did you hear me hiccup? I want to get bubblegum. I want to go to Canadian. Mommy I want to get some bubble gum. You’re stuuupid. I love chiens. I love chiens. I love chiens. Mommy I love chiens! MOMMY I LOVE CHIENS. I’m hungry. NO I DROPPED BLANKIE MOMMY GET HIM DADDY DADDY DADDY I NEED MY BLANKIE! Whoopsies, I accidentally broke the DVD player. I didn’t try but it just broked. MOMMY I WANT SOME BUBBLEGUM. *hiccup* THEY WON’T GO AWAY! LANNA ARE YOU TIRED. ARE YOU TIRED, LANNA? I wish we would’ve brought the Wii. Aw, man, I can't watch a movie. *starts whimpering loudly* MOMMY I’M BORED. Helicopter! HELICOPTER! Only Canadians live here and that’s why there’s a Canadian helicopter and houses. You know what? We should go camping and no one could wake us up. Hey, mom. Hey, mom. I want some bubblegum if it’s in there.” And that’s taken word-for-word from what he’s said over the past minute. He also has this fucking annoying idea that rapid, rabid, and rabbit are the same fucking word. And it’s not even cute. Because whenever my mom says: “oh, look, rapids.” Sam screams at the top of his lungs: “THERE ARE NO STUPID BUNNIES THERE!” And he thinks he’s sooo funny.

Oh my God, hahaha! There’s a town here called Emo…. My mom gave me an odd look when I burst out laughing after seeing the sign.

Alright, I finally got a pair of earphones and am now blasting Cinema Bizarre as loud as the fucking computer can. It still cannot drown out the sounds of my brother, if that says anything. Granted, my sound is all screwed up on the computer and these headphones are not the greatest.

Also, for whatever reason, my mom is totally stuck on Cinema Bizarre. My background is a collage of pictures of Yu, Kiro, and Strify, and she saw it and just stared at it for a while before asking who the people were. And she’s always asking about them…. It’s a little creepy, to tell the truth. She doesn’t do that with Tokio Hotel (I think they scare her a little, actually), My Chem, or any of the other bands I like. Just Cinema Bizarre. And you would think that they would scare her even more because the entire band is pretty androgynous. I suppose they just confuse her.

Another thing: I’ve gotten I Came 2 Party stuck in my head so badly that it’s driving me absolutely insane. Definitely not good for me.

Alright, I’m going to have to shut my computer off soon because using iTunes has nearly killed the battery, and the stupid cigarette lighters in the car don’t work…we’ve bought two energy inverters and neither of them will work in the car. So I’m going have to deal without music for the rest of the day *cry* because I left my iPod at the hotel.

TO SARAH: I’ve changed the phrase “easy as pie” to “easy as the little mermaid,” although I suppose you could put Helen Keller in there as well XD

Peace Out

~~

August 8:

This is the most fucked up vacation ever. So recap of today: woke up by insolent little child at seven; have to paddle pontoon boat across part of one of the great lakes; have iPod taken away for yelling at insolent little child because he kept kicking me impetuously; drive for six hours back to Wisconsin; tornado warning issued; tornado touches down in neighboring county. This is like a cliché “worst day ever.” It’s rained six inches over the past hour, and there’s baseball-sized hail. Not to mention the blinding rain and 30 mph winds. FUCK MY LIFE. Damn it, this is why I hate vacations.

I’m changing the reason you might never hear from me again from jail time to death-by-weather. Of course my mom finds this absolutely fascinating, being a weather major and all.

I HATE MY LIFE. Or what’s left of it.

Oh, and I just found out that I have another disease, this one called Dyshidrosis. It's a type of eczema that both my older brother and my dad have.... Oh, yes, fuck my life. I now have two diseases: a skin disease and tuberculosis. Hooray!

Bla

So good news! I've found a way to get music videos on iTunes without buying them. I use the downloaded videos and replace the files for existing music videos. In order to keep the videos I already have, I've found a way to duplicate one of the existing videos, which creates a new file altogether. Then I use the copy. I've already got two different music videos (I Came 2 Party and An Deiner Seite). It took me a long time because I found out that you had to change them from .flv files to .mp4 files.

I've also figured out how to separate the audio from videos and put them on iTunes as songs. I've only been able to do it with one video so far since the second one I tried screwed up and I just lost interest. So now I have the acoustic version of Reden (the first version of it that I heard and also my favorite of the two).... See the problem with taking the audio files from music videos is that music videos have other sounds in them (Der Letzte Tag, 1000 Meere, etc.) that I don't want in the song. Thankfully the acoustic Reden isn't a music video: it's a studio video. When they're recording it. I don't think it ever became a song, since I haven't seen it on the German iTunes. I just adore the song though.

I'll be leaving for Wisconsin tomorrow, so I won't be able to post for the next few weeks. I'll say adeiu and say it sorrowfully.

So Why Don't We Party Together

Ha! I have finally beaten my computer! I now have Cinema Bizarre's new video for I Came 2 Party.... Mwahahaha! This has further instilled my belief that European websites are loads better than American ones.... Love how in the video Kiro's just sitting in a corner reading anime.... I also must admit that Space Cowboy is pretty good in this song even though I usually hate collaborartions (except for the MCR-The Used cover of Under Pressure: GENIUS!) And I'm very glad that Cinema Bizarre added a little something extra to the "wild party" video. I admit freely that some of the masks scare me. *keeps staring at Strify and Kiro* I do this with all music videos. I am completely and utterly helpless to some guys in bands.

Alright, I'm a little worried about myself. I've found that, as of late, pop music is becoming increasingly less annoying. I mean, I adore Cinema Bizarre, and their music about as pop as you can get.

Throw the f*cking cameras up.

Say Hello To Goodbye

EEE! I'M HAVING A SPASTIC FANGIRL MOMENT! On the French amazon they have samples of each of Cinema Bizarre's songs on the Toyz album.... *eyes swell to size of dinner plates* The second album seems much better than the first, perhaps because of the loss of Luminor. They do have Space Cowboy sing in one track, but whatever. I absolutely adore Cinema Bizarre and can't wait for the new album.... EEE! Have to say that my favorite songs so far are Heaven Is Wrapped In Chains, Sad Day (For Happiness), Deeper and Deeper (I actually have that song on my iPod through a bit of sure-to-be-illegal downloading), Out Of Love, Tears In Vegas (I've actually heard the entirety of this song somewhere....), American Beauty,

You know, I really love how international CB is.... They're a German band with English lyrics and French titles.... Either I love it because it's cool or it's just very amusing.

Strify's English also amazes me. He speaks more eloquently than most Americans (how many people in our country know what the words "tantric" or "blasphemy"mean?) and has pretty much no accent. Other than that, he's just totally amazing.

Alright, know what? Not even spell check thinks that "tantric" is a word. Look it up on an online dictionary: IT'S A WORD!

All these bands releasing new albums make me excited. Cinema Bizarre, Tokio Hotel, My Chemical Romance, and Paramore, just to name a few. Actually, both Cinema Bizarre and Tokio Hotel are releasing two albums.... CB is releasing Toyz and a compilation CD to be released in America that is both their first and seconds albums. Tokio Hotel has a German album and an English album.

Getting back to people with surprisingly good English, I've found that Tom Kaulitz is actually very well-written (he has a blog). If I didn't know that he wasn't a native English speaker, I would probably think he was. Also, on his latest blog, you will find my inspiration of certain parts of my book where Tom (actually named after Tom Kaulitz, to be honest) calls Cody his "little brother" even though they're twins. It just makes me laugh.

In other music news, has anyone heard Boys Like Girls' new song: Love Drunk? It's a very funny song.

I used to be love drunk
But now I’m hungover
I’ll love you forever
Forever is over
We used to kiss all night
Now it’s just a bar fight
So don’t call me crying
Say hello to goodbye

Anyways, I'm quite excited about all the new music stuff out there, whether it be the music or the people who make it (many of who are extremely hot).

Hopefully there'll be something interesting to do in Wisconsin....where I will have no internet. And no printer. And no mall less than two hours away. And nothing but cows until three hours away. I can't even hope to meet a cute guy or something (which isn't really me anyways) because there's NOTHING. Here's what happens the first two days that we're there:
Wake up at four-thirty
DAY ONE:
Get to airport at six
Plane takes off at eight-thirty
Land in Minnesota at eleven
Drive for three hours into Wisconsin
Arrive in Balsam Lake at two
Unpack
Eat dinner
Pack up again
Go to Sleep
DAY TWO:
Wake up at six
Pack up car
Leave at seven
Drive for about eight hours to Minnesota
Arrive at Jack's camp around three
Sit in hotel room
Go to Jack's camp and watch Indian dancing
Return to hotel
Sleep

FML.

It's pathetic how amusing I find my own writing...I probably shouln't find things that I came up with so funny.

Tired And Contrived

I find it very ironic that I hated economics in school and yet I just had a half-hour long discussion with my dad about European economies versus the American economy and what our country ignored up in the seventies that Europe did something about. And then, as we began to talk about cars, it led to talking about how China subsidizes gas which then led to talking about communism. I mentioned a quote that I'd read somewhere that says: "Communism doesn't work because people like to own things." And we began talking about that idea and agreed that it basically summarizes in a nutshell why communism always fails.... I honestly love talking about how short-sighted America is (I disagreed with my dad when he said that America is always thinking about tomorrow instead of next year or the next year; instead saying that America usually is only thinking about "today"), as well as talking about communism. I have no Earthly idea why it fascinates me so much, but it just does. I think I scared my mom a little bit when I asked her to buy the book about the extremely violent revolution. Well I'm certainly not going to read a book about the Velvet Revolution (Czechoslovakian revolution)...that would be boring and entirely unhelpful in my studies of revolution as violent revolutions are far more common and interesting. That probably sounds horrible, but it's true. Would you rather read about people walking around holding flowers or people dodging bullets and being chased by riot police (not that that's the premise of my third book)? Hm....

Alright, I'll be shutting up now.

Peace.

Sanctus Domine Deus

It seems to me that I have beome addicted to blogger. Well, I suppose there are worse things to be addicted to.... Anyways, today I ordered a book (and by that I mean I made my mommy buy it for me >:) ) from Amazon. The Romanian Revolution of December 1989... It's for my revolution studies pertaining to my third book. I actually have written some of it over yesterday and today, but only the preface and the epilogue. I still have to finish the second book before I start writing the body of the third....

Okay....my computer is getting black stuff on my floor, hands, and pants. What the hack is on the bottom?

Well, last night concluded my Two Series - Seven Nights challenge. I set myself a goal to read two quartets by Tamora Pierce in one week...all at night. Needless to say, I haven't slept very much since my dad will wake me up at ten (obnoxiously loudly, I might add) if I'm not awake by then. And then he yells at me for getting like six hours of sleep...if I even get that much. The two series I read were the Song of the Lioness and The Immortals. I fell in love with Tamora Pierce's writing after I read the first Song of the Lioness book...the main character's name is Alanna. Which is frikken awesome. And I must admit that I have a soft spot for the name Jonathan now, even though Alanna married George. And I absolutely adore The Immortals series since I love animals so much. I also just love Numair even though he's what...fifteen years older than Daine? Sarah, do you remember whether or not they get married in a later series? I can't quite remember. I want to say yes but I also want to say no.

Truthfully, I love staying up at night and reading. And if I force myself out of bed, it's nice to just walk around. And then I get to text other people who are still awake at one in the morning, or people who live in other time zones.

I have recently (past half hour) discovered how to curl hair with a straightener.... It's very hard. So I kinda gave up.

La. Dee. Da.

Au Revoir

*Twitch*

Last night I realized the extent of my insanity. I'd stayed up reading (again) and my parents had stayed up watching a movie, and we all finished at about the same time. Anyways, my dad went downstairs to check the locks and everything and when he came upstairs, when he turned the corner, I said very brightly: "It's Sunday, y'know. And it's so cool because we're all awake and it's already Sunday and I only slept a little on Saturday you know I never sleep at the end of the day, always in the morning of the next day because I just do." And I smiled very wide. The rest of the conversation is as follows:
"Alanna, I woke up at four. I'm tired. Got to bed."
"Why'd ya wake up at four?"
"To work on my book in peace and quiet." (he's writing a book about military history)
"You should've been waking up at four before I'd gone to camp and couldn't sleep at all."
"That would ruin the purpose of waking up at four."
"It would be good for my mental well-being."
"Mmhm...."
"No, really. Then maybe I'd stop talking to myself in my mind in German. I do that, yknow."
"Okay, Alanna." He pats me on the shoulder. "Go to bed now." Then he walks down the hallway into his room. I burst out laughing; he glares at me and shuts his door, leaving me in the hallway.

Yup, I'm certifiably insane. And this entire thing took place with me talking in this perky-psychotic tone of voice. It's also an example of how hyper I get every night.

Ciao

Fahnenmast

I'm watching Air Force One and am very happy that they chose to acknowledge the fact that Ramstein Air Force Base exists.... I know it's the largest military base outside of the U.S. (was anyone else aware of that?), but it really doesn't get enough credit. I myself find it hard to believe that the base is the largest outside the U.S.,but why argue with the facts? In case people hadn't inferred, that was the base my parents worked on and that I went to school on for five years. The thing that saddens me about this movie is that there's no German in it though it's in Germany. There is Russian, however.

Lately I've been watching a ton of movies (like five every day) ranging from the romantic comedies that my mom has about fifty of to stuff like I Am Legend. I actually choked on a sip of water when I was watching The Wedding Date when I realized that James Norrington (Pirates, anyone?) played the groom. Then Dermot Mulroney was in two movies in a row (I'm officially in love with him now). Finding Neverland made me cry. Billy Elliot was by far the most controversial movie as it addressed issues such as homosexuality and domestic violence. And I loved the end of I Am Legend. None of the romance movies could ever compare to Forever Young, however. Okay, I must remind myself that I am not a movie critic and therefore must stop talking about these movies.

Anyways, as you can tell, the past few days have been pretty slow. Between writing, editing, and watching movies, I haven't gotten much done. Actually, today was more interesting the rest. I had boiling water spilled on me twice! Whoo. Hoo. Also, last night I read two books. So I'm tired as hell today.

Also, I am proud to announce that I have gotten over talking to myself in English. It's a habit that I fell into when I was quite little, and I assure you I am in no way psychopathic. Actually, I'm not so sure anymore. Because now I talk to myself in German. They're mental conversations, not verbal ones, but I do get stuck in German quite quickly. My little brother was annoying me while I was making lunch, so I told him irritably: "Du bist dabei, eines Nachts aufzuwachen und zu einem Fahnenmast festgeschnallt zu werden in Südamerika." Which roughly translates to: You are going to wake up in the middle of the night strapped to a flagpole in South America. A bit mean, yes. And it just took me five minutes to write that on Word because of the stupid accents. Not to mention spelling it correctly. I understand spoken and written German, and can speak it, but writing it is very frustrating for me because of the accent marks.

I really don't remember what I wanted to write about. There was something that I thought to be important, but it has completely slipped my mind.

You know, I so wish my family was wealthy. My HotTopic wishlist is like fifty items long....

Tchao

I See No Reason Why Gunpowder, Treason Should Ever Be Forgot

I just read Brenda's post and it got me thinking. She's right. We're born from love, and yetwe are so afraid of it because it makes us weak, vulnerable. All we want is love, and allwe get is apprehension to love. The only way that we can ever truly be happy is if we do not hate, and are not hated. But we should not strive for others' love. People should be able to love you, accept you for who you are. And if our world can't do that, if our society can't do that, then we'll all die. It's as simple as that. What's so scary about three words? I love you. We better embrace those words, because we don't know how much longer we'll be alive to have the opportunity to speak those words. So I wanted to put the fact out there that I love you all. Perhaps I don't know you, but you make up some aspect of my life, and give my life a little more excitement. And for those of you I do know...well, you should know that I love you because only people I'm friendds with read this blog. And even people who don't read this blog, like Millie. I know it seems rediculous, but I only just realized it myself. When I found out months ago about her parents getting a divorce, I was shaken. And I felt sorry for her. And I wished that I could stop it from happening. Don't you only feel that when you care about someone? And who says that you have to know someone, or be friends with them just to care about them? I'm thinking about the line from V For Vendetta: "What I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that though I do not know you and even though I may never meet you, laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you, I love you. With all my heart, I love you."

Okay, I think I spent a little too long talking about Brenda's post, but I think I got the point across. So today I finally got around to printing out Built On Secrets, which was amilestone for me. It seriously took forty-five minutes to print out, and even longer to punch those stupid little holes in it so I could put it in a binder... The hole-puncher-thing could only do six sheets of paper at a time *twitch*. But what a difference it makes! Nearly every page (and I mean almost every single one; only about ten pages were unmarked) had something to correct on it. Just think of my parents' horror when I have to reprint it all again.... Of course, they don't know I printed this one, so that should make things a little more favorable for me.

Alright, I don't really have much left to write so I'll leave it at that.

Tschüs

This Day Is Not Going Well

Wow, my post yesterday was long.... See that's what happens when I get started on something. And I blame that post for my inability to sleep last night because I was thinking too much. NOTE TO SELF: Do not discuss intellectual matters right before bedtime. It is not conducive to a good night's sleep.

Anyways, back to this post. I'm not sure if I told you all about my little raining-in-the-kitchen discovery. Long story short: leak in the bathroom upstairs created a little (and I use that word lightly) stream of water from a light socket in the kitchen. Today I come downstairs and find a tarp covering most of the living room. Why? More water coming from light sockets. And this time the water's not coming from just one socket. The entire ceiling is dripping wet. We (padre and I) believe there's a problem with the shower drain in my parents' bathroom. This incident has lead me to ponder the design flaws when you put in overhead lighting. See, what happens is that the water runs through the drywall until it finds a hole in said drywall. The only holes in the ceiling are from light fixtures. Now, you'd think that when the electrician puts in the lights that he would cover the top of the fixture (meaning the part that is in the drywall). Nope. I believe it would be in everyone's best interest to put some sort of covering on so that the water cannot drip into the light fixture. Water + Electricity = short-circuiting or electrocution. And on another note, I think it would be beneficial to have some sort of alarm/beeping noise when the drywall does become wet.

You know, I don't have anything good for an excerpt. Sure, I have 26 pages of work to choose from, but none of it's really good to use.

Ah....shhhhhhhhhhit.....oh my God.... I'm watching Criss Angel Mindfreak...."Body Suspension" is the episode. Very few things freak me out, in all honesty. Only paranormal shows scare me. But this! Oh shit. I feel like I'm about to pass out. Shit. I'm even doing that girlish waving-hand-in-front-of-face thing. Okay, the stunt's over. I'm seriously hyperventalating...dizzy...HEADACHE! I've only ever hyperventilated once...and that was when there was a huge spider. And now I feel so dizzy....

That show is not good for me.

Okay, I'll post later. I need to go make sure I'm not going to faint or anything.

The Midnight Train Going Anywhere

I've stared at this blank text box for about ten minutes now, racking my brain for any possible thing to write about. Sad, isn't it, when your life is so boring that all you have to write about it how boring said life is. And then I began to wonder when I last posted an excerpt from my sequel. Being pathetially lazy, as usual, I decided not to check and just post something. But as I am writing this, I realize that I should probably check, forcing me to open a new Internet Explorer browser. Ah, alright. The last thing I posted was from chapter 43; I am currently writing chapter 50. I'll post the excerpt at the end.

So it seems that today my life took a downhill turn. I cut my finger open on a knife and, sadly, did not slice a nerve (...Sarah...). Along with that, I have to read a book on World History. I admit freely that I greatly despise nonfiction, my passion for reading and writing aside. And what's worse, it's the history of the world through drinks. Yes, I get to read about wine, beer, tea, coffee, and soda. The ironic part? It's school-assigned. I'm supposed to read it for AP World History next year. Now don't get me wrong, I love world history. Just as long as I don't have to read a novel about it.

Alright, I wrote the first paragraph of this post at 10 am. It is now 8 pm. The reason is that I started looking for an excerpt then needed to cross-reference something with the first book, so I opened that document. Then I got distracted reading it; I'm about halfway through at the moment. It astounds me how much my writing has changed. Besides that, the first book seems so much lighter. Funnier. More innocent. All the characters are much more serious in the second one. My little children are growing up! *Tear* It's hard for me to recognize how I feel about my writing in the first book. It's pretty good, in my opinion (sorry if I sound ridiculously conceited), but I think I like my recent writing style more. But I suppose the second book is supposed to be more serious. And damn, is it going to be long. I've covered about two weeks of Kia's life so far and there's one week left. Or six and a half days, to be exact. Right now the page count is at 142 pages, just five pages short of the first one. And there lies another oddity: though the second one is only five pages shorter (as of now) than the first, it's nearly five thousand words less. The first one has 42,891 words, and the second only 37,007. Strange. So I suppose I've done two-thirds of the sequel. That means I have half of what I've already done to do. Half of 142 is...seventy-one. 142 plus seventy-one is...213. And if you add a few pages for an epic ending...215-220 pages. Dear God. And the third one is going to definitely be longer. Am I looking at a three-hundred page ordeal for the final book? Lord knows I might have shot myself in the head by then.... And how am I going to manage this all when school starts?

I'll be taking all honors classes, which guarantees several hours of homework each night. Not only that, but we have a year-long research project for biology. Lord knows English will be as easy as it's always been for me (except when some teachers decide my essays are too long....), and I've never had a problem with History/Civics. Biology (nix the research project) will be simple enough since I love science. And then we have Geometry. I hate math; I always have. I'm not very good at it (just taking a different grade-level of it), and it doesn't seem to like me. I nearly failed 6th grade math, although I blame it on a totally different curriculum and a horrible teacher. Seventh grade math was perhaps the easiest class I've ever taken since it was so simple it could have reduced me to tears. And then last year.... I had an amazing teacher, but still managed to get mostly B's all year. I did end up with a 4.0 in the end, but only because of my final exam. If you look at my report card it goes: A, B+, B, B+, and then the final exam was an A. Thank God that my average first quarter was a 98 or I never would have made it. So I ended up with an A. But enough about that.

That's why I have to at least semi-secure an agent before the summer ends in September (all you starting-school-in-August-people fail epically). If I don't, I'll be absolutely swamped. my writing will trickle to a slow halt around October, before starting back up again at Thanksgiving. I'll have to put away my storytelling until midterms are over, but during winter break I can revitalize my writing. After that is a myriad of three-day weekends, then the inevitable trip to Cancun. Before I know it it'll be spring break and I hope to go somewhere. Whether it be on a school trip (probably France since I'm taking French, although I wonder if I could go to Germany if the German department does a trip there) or with my family (New York, please!) is yet to be decided. And then it'll be my birthday, which will lead into final exam season at school where the life will be sucked out of me by studying for Geometry. Finally I'll finish all the tests, and I won't give a damn about the score because I'll be happy it's over. Then the week-long movie marathon in classes starts. Before I know it, it'll be the last day of school and Susannah will be crying of course, and she'll make me cry like last time. The next day I'll be sitting at home, lounging around being my old boring self. Two weeks later I'll be off to camp and get to escape Virginia. I'll see everyone again, and I'll be an LIT so it'll be even more enjoyable. I'll get to see Annah, and Hollis, and Sarah, and JR, and Papi, and Mommy.... And then, three weeks later, it'll end. I'll fly back home with Sarah. And a year from today, I would have only recently dropped Sarah at the airport so she could fly back down to Alabama. Who knows: perhaps I'll be writing a blog post a year from now. Maybe I'll be a published author. Maybe I'll have a boyfriend. Who knows? Who knows what the future's going to bring?

Gosh, that did spiral into something. I suppose what the point of that evolved into was that time goes by so quickly. Time is a curious thing, after all. It absolutely fascinates me. If you're ever in a horrid situation, I'll probably something along the lines of: "Just think: in no time at all you'll be lying in bed, waiting to fall asleep. And this'll all be over." Most people don't truly understand that. What I think I mean is that time goes by so fast. And there's always something to look forward to. Because you won't be stuck in one moment forever. (I won't even start on what just came to mind because I fear this blog will explode from too much content.) It must sound horribly cliché to say this, but: things will get better. If you wait it out, it'll be okay. And by wait it out, I do not, by any means, mean to sit back and watch it happen. Change comes to those who instigate change. If there's something wrong in your life, only you can change it. The future isn't set in stone, and you can't take back things that have already happened. Time's a tricky fellow, if nothing else. He gives nothing back and gives no hints as to the future. Forgiveness is the only key to changing the past, and then you are only changing your feelings about an incident. And the only gateway to the future is planning. Even then, you don't know for certain. But time will pass, and soon the present will be what you used to know as "the future." And the present will become the past. I doubt that there should really be anything called "the present." Because even when you finish the word "present", that word has already become the past, and it is already describing what you though of as "the future." So how do you make the most of your time? You become perfect in your own eyes. Yours. No one else's. Be the person who you truly want to be, or I fear that time will envelop you and you will be naught but a memory to those of us in the future. Care about not what people think, but about what you think. Learn to think as a single entity, rather than in a group. Personalize your opinions and ideas. Do not apply general labels to your beliefs. I say that I am a Christian, but that I do not agree with everything in the Bible. Does that make me not a Christian? If someone belittles you, stand up for yourself. And if some belittles someone else who is not strong enough to stand up for themselves, stand up for them.

I feel almost hypocritical. Seeing as a year ago, I was on the brink of suicide. Now I sound like a brochure for a fucking self-empowerment seminar. Anyways, I think I should just publish this post now since Internet Explorer just crashed as I was writing this.

I’ll post an excerpt tomorrow, I promise. It just seems that this post has become a bit too long for it to be an acceptable length.

Ciao

Sleeping With Band Dudes Doesn't Make You Famous

So I finally found the Song of the Lioness series...it's a bit low of a reading level for me seeing as how I read it in the fifth grade, but these books are amazing. And, of course, the fact that the main character's name is Alanna doesn't hurt. I started reading the series last night and am now in the third book. I had forgotten that this was the book where she finally gets with George! (No one make any witty cracks about me and another person named George....) I'd also forgotten how funny Faithful is (although Alanna's style of naming things is not very creative - Moonlight the white-and-gold horse, Faithful the cat who follows her around, and Lightning the sword which she found before a horrid storm). For instance, Alanna starts crying about something and Faithful says, "Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You provoked him to say such things. If you weren't so proud and kept arguing, he might not have brought up your unfeminine-ness."

Anyways, I'm totally dreading the trip to Wisconsin. I'm hoping to work on getting an agent while there, but still need to print out the samples. My parents are going to be so angry about that: it's over a hundred pages worth of stuff. Considering that two of the agents require the first 50 pages.... And then there's the query, synopsis, and all that other crap. Well whoop-dee-doo, I get to spend my summer killing trees!

I suppose I should talk about camp at some point; I'll write about a few people today. But stories will come later. First off, I got to see SARAH again, which made me very happy. I've been friends with her for about six years now and is probably the person that I've known the longest whom I still keep in touch with/ see on a semi-regular basis. Second, Hollis was there again this year and was in my cabin both weeks. I met her last year and she's really awesome, though I, admittedly, do not enjoy her perverted jokes to their full extent. Julianne was also there this year, though as an LIT. For those who do not know, she was one of the amazing pioneers last year. Hm...who else? Dawson was there, and I actually got to spend time with her this year. However, her boyfriend was also there every waking second of the day. It's not that I don't like Taylor, necessarily. I'm not sure whether I do or not. It is true that the first week I was there, I would have been happy to shoot him with a very dull arrow (making the death more painful). Second week I did not think as badly of him, and I even got to put eyeliner on him over the weekend. Part of the reason that I didn't like him the first week was because we (Pioneers) got many updates about him from Lucas. What can I say about Lucas? He's absolutely hilarious, was the only guy in our pioneering group, and probably had ODD (from what I've observed). For those who are unaware of that particular disorder, google it. Then I suppose there's Summer (Hollis's friend, not the counselor). She's really awesome and a lot like me, actually. Honestly, I felt almost motherly towards her and Dawson while at camp. I kept complaining about Dawson being too young to have a boyfriend (she's twelve!) and to be kissing said boyfriend. And then there was Kyle with Summer. At first, it was me that Kyle stalked. But after glaring at him under heavily made-up eyelids, and threatening to kick his ass if he touched me, he soon left me alone. Summer, however, was different. She's far more good-natured than I, and more soft-spoken. So when Kyle grabbed her ass, she did nothing. I, however, was on the verge of smashing his head into something. Literally. Hollis and I had to stand outside for several minutes before going back inside. I kicked things while outside to get my anger out. But that's enough about Kyle. I suppose I'll have a whole other post about him and his creepery-ness. Who am I forgetting? Well there's the camp family, fo sho. And mommies and daddies.... Daddies: Justin and Thomas. Mommies: Caroline, Madison, Kelley, and Will. And don't forget Grammy Jacobie. More about the family later. Ah, and JR. He was an LIT this year, so I didn't really meet him until the weekend between camp sessions. How can I talk about him without having Sarah point out all sorts of wonderful things? He's really cool, nice, wants to join the Marines when he's older (not so cool), really funny, and totally fails at comebacks. Ha ha. Fail. Um...he got yelled at several times by Sarah and Jacey (LOL) for "flirting" with me.

Alright, I think I've posted enough for one night. Any more and I'll probably be sucked into the blogosphere and never come back.

Crazy

Splatter-painting has to be the best therapy in the world. Just enclose yourself in a room with the ceiling, floor, and windows covered. Just grab a few buckets of paint, paint brushes, and turn up the music until it feels like the sound waves are pulsing through your body. I originally not intending on doing so much paint, but I got really into it and it looks cool. I'm going to paint the rest of the room the same grey as the base color, but gradually move to no splatter at all.

___________

I I

I I
I I

I..... I
I::::::: ______I

I:::::::I

So that's basically the shape of my room. The three italicized I's on the left are windows, and the one on the right is the door. I paited the alcove today (dotted area), which is about four-by-six feet. I'm going to lightly splatter the red parts, using less paint as it nears the back wall (blue). The last wall will have a little splattering along the edges, but only some in the midddle.